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|Losing my Mom while in College...
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|Author:||shortcake26 [ Thu Dec 24, 2009 2:43 am ]|
|Post subject:||Losing my Mom while in College...|
My mom passed away October 6, 2009. At 21 years old, I had experienced losing a grandparent, relatives, and family friends... While all were difficult to handle, I never quite imagined the gravity of what losing my mom would be like. My father, 77 years old, has been ill for quite some time however, overall, the doctors say he is doing good. In all honestly, I clung to my father as I was afraid I'd lose him... I neglected time with my mom as she was young and I thought that all the world was at our fingertips. My mom passed at 55 years old.
My mom and I had the type of relationship that I hope I will have with my future daughters. My mom and I had an open, honest, and loving relationship. We didn't always agree but she never judged me and always supported me. We had a best friend type relationship... When I'd visit her, we always slept in her bed together and watched Lifetime. Up until the last time I saw her, July 2009, we fell asleep in her bed. At times when we were together we reverted back to children... We were always goofy and there was hardly ever a dull moment.
I don't quite remember how I reacted when I found out she had passed but I know I blacked out... I remember thinking "...but I still need her." I do still need her. Knowing that she won't be at my college graduation, wedding, or the birth of my children shatters me into a million pieces. No one can ever take the place of a mother... She was my mom--my one and only... She was a darn good one too.
I have found myself living a relatively typical life since her passing... I think of her often but continue on. Something inside me has driven me to stay in school (I went back to classes one week after her passing) and continue work. I had the option the take a break from both, however; I just can't do it. I don't want the time to sit, be alone, and wallow. I worry that it will come back to hurt me though. Often, people think I'm selfish or just don't care because I'm back in the swing of things. I just cant see myself doing anything different. Plus, my mom would want me to get my degree.
I find myself tormented at times... Typically when alone (with too much time to think). I have found myself in intense rages, nonstop crying, and even at times a moment when I just can't help but slap myself to see if "this is real"...
I have found comfort in taking in her beloved and faithful dog, Edison. When I say he was her best friend--he really was. I finally gathered up the courage to listen to her voicemails in which she said "You know how I feel about Eddie"... Eddie was her baby as all us kids had grown up and began our own lives. He kept her going... I find comfort, happiness, and love when around him... I am so thankful and blessed to have him.
I often wonder when this will all seem real. I can't seem to cry but in the rarest of moments. I sometimes worry that something is wrong with me as I cannot cry or be sad. I am sad. I am a crier. But, I just can't seem to fathom the reality of her passing and therefore tears won't come. Quite honestly, I look forward to the day when I can sit and cry until my hearts content.
I love her and I always will. She was my best friend and I see her blessings daily.
June 30, 1954-October 6, 2009 I love you Mom
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