I am so sorry to hear of your loss. My mom passed away October 6, 2009. Not only was her passing unexpected but like everyone else it has turned my life upside down. I too struggle with guilt. At 21 years old, I had anticipated a long life with my mom by my side-- watching me graduate college, get married, and have children. Everything is different now.
As a college student, I often find myself wrapped up in the college life--I am not and never have been wild nor have I participated in your "college-like things" but I get wrapped up in my own world. I have dealt with a great deal of guilt as A) I had told my mom I'd visit her again in August and did not. B) The last time I talked to her was over a month before her passing C) She called me three days before she passed and I hit the "ignore" button as at the time I felt that sleeping in took precedence.
I often feel like I could have done something different but I cannot get wrapped up in the "What I should have done's"... Easily said, not so easily done. My mom was my best friend--anytime I went home we slept in the same bed and fell asleep to the lifetime channel... that was us; we were like best friends. The last time I saw her, we both fell asleep in her bed watching TV... I would have never realized how much I would look back and cherish that moment.
I should have called her more, spent more time with her, let her known I loved her more... But, I know, deep in my heart, that she is watching over me, smiling, lovingly, and finds peace with God. I see her blessings daily... and I hope you see your dads blessings daily... Sometimes I have to search for them and sometimes I don't. My mom pushed me through this semester and astonishingly made the best grades in my college career... She sent me the strength I needed and the push that I yearned for to find peace within to continue going.
While the guilt is heavy right now please know that it will fade. Treasure the memories, embrace your father's blessings, and with due time you will find that the guilt will fade and only the happiness will remain. It will take time--moments of frustration, sadness, and anger but it's all apart of finding peace.
God Bless.
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