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|I miss my dads Voice
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|Author:||Missy [ Wed Mar 24, 2010 8:10 pm ]|
|Post subject:||I miss my dads Voice|
My dad has been gone now a few days over a yr and half. I have so many regrets. I should of visited him more. He even told me he was lonely in that dang nursing home, but did I visit like I should of hell know, cause I was too wrapped up in my own life or just too lazy to get off my butt to go see him.
What kills me the most is I had my chance and I blew it and will never get it back. I was supposed to go see dad and I even had him call on my cell phone and I was driving but I didnt answer I was out running round figure hell I will call him after while and tell him I will come over in the next couple days.
Well thanks to my self centeredness my dad passed away alone that very day. I hate myself. I want to vomit every time I think about it. Im crying now because my heart is broken never to be the same.
I got a phone call on my voice mail my brother sayin something bad has happened and I need to call mom. I knew right then what it was and fell to the floor.
My heart died a little that day and everything I feel is so off I cant explain.
I was so selfish then all I kept saying is why didnt I go see him more over and over. My oldest son who was an adult then barely couldnt bare to see his grandpa like that in that nursing home unable to walk or get around and was I thinking of his feelings or anything NO of course not in my own guilt and grief I made him feel awful and it totally crushed him. The loss of his grandpa has changed him.
It doesnt even feel real yet at times, its like I know my dad is gone but there is no grave to visit he donated his body to science to spare mom the expense of burial and all that. That left and leaves no real closure or goodbyes I only had a little while to visit with him before they had us leave the nursing home to take him away.
My mom never shed a tear, she hated my dad even though he tried his very best to make it up to her for all that happened, he never abused her physically dad had anxiety and short temper and high blood pressure bad combination. But the things she says how he was a SOB and blah blah blah and blames him for things falling apart around the house and hell he been gone 5 yrs in the nursing home and now gone for yr and half and he is still getting blamed for everything. She says awful things and my son hates her for it. She has such bitterness, that I cant hardly stand to be around her talkin bout dad like that.
I miss his voice so much I could always call him up and he would give me emotional support and understanding and such love and I couldnt see him like I should and he was not very far away. I cant get passed it. I could of seen him been there for him when he was going away but I didnt.
I cant go talk to him there is no where to go, no place to visit nothing and I feel empty and raw and emotionally drained and I cant breath sometimes and I want to vomit and I want to throw myself out in front of traffic but I dont I think of my sons and I dont ever want them to feel the pain I feel. I tell them everyday that I love them and I let them know when I am leaving by speaking it or leave a note and I have to see them everyday or talk to them everyday and it drives my husband nuts but I cant help it I keep thinking what if it happens again I couldnt live loosing my children and knowing I could of saw them that day or the day before and didnt do it because I was too selfish to take time to be with them.
This pain will never end and I try to pretend dad is still in the nursing home and that in a few days I will go see him and I do thru it again and again telling myself. But in actuality I know he is not but it helps me to lie to myself on some extent to just get thru the days.
When I think of dad its like it just happened and is so raw and painful that I have to stop and try to think of something funny he said or times we shared together and that doesnt always work.
Because of all of this I am not close to my mom I have distanced myself from her for lots of reasons and I dont know why I cant let myself feel close to her or if I feel love for her anymore.
I never thought my dad was gonna pass away just yet he seemed fine and I really thought he had lots more yrs and I robbed myself of being with him when he needed me most.
I dont know what to do and I dont believe anyone can help me feel better I dont deserve to feel happiness cause of what I didnt do for my dad who did everything for me.
I dont have a problem with not thinking I am entitled to be happy I dont want to be. I want my dad back and when I get him back I will be happy.
I am happy with my kids and I love them with all my heart even though they are grown children barely over adult legal age I cant bare to have them move out of the house I got to have them right here with me everyday so I know they are alright and that they know I love them.
Sometimes I think I am barely holding it all together with a string and a prayer at any moment something is gonna snap in my head and I am gonna loose my mind but I fight it everyday cause my kids need me and I cant bare the thought of them feeling anything as awful as I am experiencing everyday.
I love my dad, I want him back I want to hear his voice. I want to hug my dad and rest my head on his shoulder.
This is some of what I feel.
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