Sarok,
First of all I do not consider your reply hippie at all. I believe so many things that fall in line with exactly what you are saying. Part of what really bothered me is that a lot of people kept saying my dad would go into a coma then he would slip away slowly and peacefully. Well that was about the furthest thing from the truth.
I got him back to the Hospice center for the third time in about a month. This time I was going to have to face the fact that he had to go to a nursing home. I couldn't care for him by myself anymore. He was getting pretty bad with his respirations. The nurse that came said dad was at the end of this physically and sometimes when they are so anxious, they can't move into the final stage. So he was shaking pretty bad and we gave him 30 mg liquid morophine before the ambulance came to take him to hospice. I went home to pick up clothes because i figured i would spend the night with him a few nights. Well, I got the the Hospice center and it probably wasn't an hour til he said he had to use the restroom. He tried to get up and I made him wait for the nurse. Well the nurse told him to slip his oxygen off to go to the restroom. So, while he was going, he told her he was smothering. She said hurry and we'll get you back to the oxygen. well, he fell into the bed when he turned around to sit. He was across the bed smothering really bad, couldn't get any oxygen...i was holding his head from behind begging him to relax dad and breathe through your nose dad. we got him turned right in the bed, then another nurse came in and started helping. I saw his face, lips, hands and all go white in a heartbeat's time, then as he was gasping for air, his otherwise round and plump face started to shrink inward as if a vaccuum was sucking his air out of his face from the inside. It was like watching a horror movie. Then the nurses said honey hes probably passing away right now, ok...i started holding his face and told him he was my hero and my angel and I loved him. Then he was gasping, but he manged to say he loved me too even though it was broken up while taking his last breaths. I just don't know how I can ever get over it. He was awake and everything. I know he was scared too. What can i ever do to heal from this?? my heart is so broken over this. my mom wasn't able to be there which bothers me and her as well. I am the only child. I need serious therapy I think. Thanks for listening to me vent. Please feel free to share your story if you are comfortable.
Missy
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