|Grief and Bereavement forum groups
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|Author:||TheUndiscovered [ Sat Feb 05, 2011 4:05 am ]|
|Post subject:||My Dad|
I am breaking down crying, and I don't know what to do anymore, so I thought I may as well post on here, and share my story.
My father is not dead, but he will be shortly. He has been fighting cancer of the prostate for years now, and it has slowly spread around his body up to his lymph nodes(which consequently just helps it spread faster) and various other places.
He has received both radiation and chemotherapy treatments, which were working for a while, but in the process made him very sick. He has always had heart problems with an uneven heartbeat which lead to him receiving a pacemaker when I was only 8 years old. While on chemotherapy that further disturbed his heart, and caused his body to over work itself to the point of exhaustion. He was fit when he went into chemotherapy, and through his course of 3 different rounds of it appearing, disappearing, and then reappearing he lost well over 100 pounds, and barely has enough energy, and cannot even keep down food. Going to the store is a strenuous task, and afterwords he always takes a nap. He was diagnosed at Stage 4.
I was informed earlier this week that he was not responding at all to his chemotherapy treatments, and the other type of chemotherapy they want to use he cannot receive because of his bad heart. He has received radiation and it worked until it reappeared, and removing a majority of the tumors, because of where they are located is not an option.
I simply, at 15 years of age do not know what to do anymore. I have sacrificed a large portion of my growing up temporarily living with friends and family members, in order to ensure he would never get sick, and would receive the best possible care even if that meant leaving for days at a time to go to the best hospital in the North Eastern, United States.
I did all of this to find out nothing we sacrificed even worked. I gave up riding horses completely to ensure we had enough money to pay for his treatments, and right now all I can hear is myself crying and the churning of his oxygen machine.
I would do anything for my daddy to be better, but he simply can't be, and it breaks my heart. I miss him. We had plans. We were supposed to do so much together when we got older. He was going to watch me graduate high school, and veterinary school, and be commissioned into the U.S. Army as an Officer. We were supposed to co-buy a farm together, and re-achieve my dream of owning horses together. We were going to go hiking in Europe, a safari in Africa (a photography adventure we always planned), go to Australia, and New Zealand.
We were going to make up for lost time as a child, because he missed so much, only to find out we could never do those things.
I do not know how to cope with this, and I am scared for him. I want him to be here forever physically not only in my heart. He is my hero and together we were going to do so much. His dying wish is to see me own my dream horse, but I don't know if he will see me turn 16, drive my orange pick-up truck, or see my excitement as I receive my first horse.
It breaks my heart, and I simply do not know what to do.
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