Tanya,
Cindy gave you excellent advice. We all know the anger that comes when we lose a child. We can all give you advice, and we do it because we've been exactly where you are and experienced our own various forms of the same emotions. We do it because we care very much for the agony that you're in now and if there's anything we can do to help you through this horrible time in your life, we want to do it. We'll do whatever it takes, if it will help you.
This grief is overwhelming. It creates an insanity in us and I believe we revert back to being almost a wild animal in our grief........we can't control our emotions, our feelings, and sometimes our behaviors. It's a very strange and confusing time. We find ourselves living in a person we no longer know or understand, and worse yet, we're living in a world where we don't speak the language, or know the culture. We don't know what to do. Everything and everyone is now strange to us. Our entire life, as we knew it, has been destroyed and we're helpless, totally helpless to do anything about it.
I wanted to die also, I believe that's normal........... I'm sure the first thing most of us thought was that we wanted to go also..........."DON"T LEAVE ME HERE"....
When I was told my son was going to die, I literally went insane, I screamed, and screamed at the top of my lungs. I rolled on the floor in agony, I beat my fists against the floor and would not accept comfort from anyone. My husband was terrified, he tried to hold me but I struck out at him with my fists all the while screaming, wailing in my agony......... Finally when I could not move or utter another sound..... I just lay there, on the floor, feeling like a trapped animal. I was physically, emotionally and mentally spent.............
We've all gone through this initial stage of absolute insanity. I can understand so much of what you're feeling. You just want to escape, to find a place where the pain has never been and begin again.............
But, please dear heart........ know that your pain will follow you wherever you go. It's a terrible thing, but you must find a way to go through it. You can't go over it or under it or around it. It's a huge mountain in your life's path, and you must climb it, on your hands and knees maybe, but you must find a way.
We're here to help you....... you're not alone in this struggle. We understand.... we're still trying to climb that mountain ourselves and some of us are still crawling on our hands and knees......... a few feet up and then a huge slide back down again. It's the most difficult task we've ever faced. Laboring to give birth is a piece of cake compared to this struggle.
This all sounds like heavy handed advice.....but it's the saddest fact of life we've ever faced. We've all faced that mountain and thought " I can't do it, I don't even want to do it, I don't want to survive.......... and I just don't care anymore."
Been there, done that........over and over again.
Call your doctor, today. If you don't want to share with the receptionist...... tell her it's private, but it's an emergency. She doesn't have to know all the details. Remember, if you start taking antidepressants, it will take up to three weeks for some of them to start working.............so ask for some anti anxiety meds also. If you're suffering from so much depression and anxiety............ask him for just a trial dosage, and be very careful to get the instructions clearly. Don't take too many, just believe in your heart, that they will help you, given the time it takes......... and you will begin to slowly see daylight.
Don't expect too much from yourself. I still don't keep my house like I use to, or myself. I've lost so much of my concern about how things (and me) "look" anymore. But, for me it's been almost 11 months. I'm not very much better as far as my grief is concerned, but I see that there's still a world out there and I must find a way to live in it.
As far as your mother-in-law......... we all find someone to "hate' briefly... your sweet baby was your child, from your body....... she's your angel..... but dear Tanya, she also was the grandchild of this woman. If she wanted to hold her..... it was out of grief and pain also. If she asked about meds for you, it sounds as if she saw how much you were suffering..... and was concerned.
You don't need to concern yourself about anyone else at this time, you're at that stage where you can't even see outside of your own pain......... but there will come a time when you will love the people who grieved for your sweet little angel. Those people are broken hearted also and confused and bewildered, as you are. You don't need to do anything about them now.......... just take care of yourself.
I don't believe anyone feels the same grief a mother feels, but that's coming from my own selfish viewpoint. "No-one's pain is as sharp as mine......." but that's probably not true, or ever has been. It's just that everyone handles it so differently. I had times when I didn't like my husband because I felt he was going on with life and even expected me to........... but when I shouted at him that he just didn't grieve... He shared with me that he felt he didn't have the right to collapse, he had to take care of me??????????
Let us help you, please, listen to what Cindy told you..........call your doctor today and ask for help. It's there for you, just reach out for it.
We'll say prayers for you and especially your precious little angel.
Love Jane
_________________ Scott Matthew HIll - 2 years old
To lose a child teaches one what the word bereavement really means. There is no loss equal to the loss of a child.
“We are each of us angels with only one wing. And we can only fly embracing each other."
~Luciano De Crescenzo
www.scottmatthew-hill.last-memories.com
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