I'm still here and alive

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:12 pm

Hi everyone,
I'm here.......... I appreciate the emails and the postings. I've been mentally curled into a ball the past few days and can't seem to uncurl...........

It seems there are many things sort of coming to a head for me at the same time and I'm not coping so well with all of it. I just needed some time to figure it all out and see where I stand with life right now.

Tomorrow is the 11 month anniversary of Scott's passing and of course the one year anniversary is coming up very fast. The stone should be laid by October 1st... and that hurt.......... to see his name and picture on a headstone. I'm glad, and relieved but also very hurt by it.

My niece is still alive. She's in a nursing home but her husband says the doctors do not give him any hope. She's being sent to a specialist in Portland on Thursday so we'll see what he says.

Now we're facing the beginning of fall and in our state, it means dark, dreary days with lots of rain, lots and lots of rain........... every day. Sometimes I like it because I just put a log on the fire and curl up with a good book. This year, however, like last fall, the dreary days just reflect my mood and make it worse.

But, I'm not gone, and I love all of you very much and appreciate your concern for me. When I get like this, I tend to avoid everyone.........even my husband and just turn inward. I sort of live in my head until I can come out again. I'm on anti depressants so don't know how I'd be without them.

I love all of you and have lots of things to share when I can think straight again.

Love,hugs, prayers,
jane

Tonya · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:22 pm

My dear, dear friend....please know that we are all here for you anytime that you need us. You are always in my prayers, I think about you all the time. I am sending you many gentle (((hugs))).

I love you.

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 1:55 pm

Dear Jayne,
I understand. Sometimes I just read the posts on our forum, but I am in such pain that I do not have the energy to post. But just knowing all of us are here helps. I am sending love and understanding to you, Dear One.

Lynda · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 2:54 pm

Dear Jane,
You take all the time you need, we understand. Although I will admit to being relieved to hearing from you again. I worry so much about all of my angel families, and yes, I am paranoid with always thinking the worst. Know that we are here for you when you are ready. If there is anything we can do please do not hesitate in letting us know. Much love to you!
Hugs,
Lynda

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:06 pm

Posted: 09/19/07 Post subject:
Whatever would I do without all of you?

Have I ever said to each of you, and all of you, how very much you mean to me?
I think we should never let words of love or words of gratitude go unsaid.

I love you and I appreciate you......... and I haven't gone anywhere, just trying to gather myself together and figure out who I am and make sense of what's happened to me. I feel like such a stranger to myself anymore.

But, like i said, I do have things to share and I'll be back soon. I just try not to dump so much confusion and grief on all of you......... it feels like I just can't put into words what's happening to me now.

Love, hugs, prayers,
jane

Tonya · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 3:18 pm

You take all the time that you need. In the meantime, just know that we all love and care about you very, very much. And that you'll be in all of our thoughts and prayers. God Bless you my sweet friend.

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 4:52 pm

Sweet Jane,

These words of yours really struck home with me:
and I haven't gone anywhere, just trying to gather myself together and figure out who I am and make sense of what's happened to me. I feel like such a stranger to myself anymore.

I can totally relate because I feel like since December 10, 2003 I have been trying to gather myself together and figure out who I am NOW and make sense of Krystal being killed. I FEEL LIKE SUCH A STRANGER TO MYSELF. Before Krystal died I felt I had "paid my dues" and now that I had been through many rough spots that I would enter my older years as a woman who had weathered life's storms and now i could enjoy my husband, children, and grandchildren.

HA! Little did I know that my Krystal would die so young and cheated out of raising her 1 year old twin sons. Life imploded and exploded for me when Krystal died. I am not the Jo Ann that was alive before Krystal died. So here i am 56 years old and totally lost and feeling like a stranger to myself.
Love,

Barbara · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 5:36 pm

Jane,
I'm so glad to know your ok.My prayers will be with you and your niece.
Just know we're here for you anytime.
Lots of HUGS,Barbara

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 6:11 pm

Jo Ann,

Yes, it's so hard to explain to someone who hasn't experienced this loss. I look back on the old me and wonder who I was then. Was that "me" or is this now "me"? I guess that sounds confusing........but

I think back and some times I think I took my life for granted. It wasn't a spectacular life, and had a lot of heartache in it......... but I took pride in the fact that I had survived it. I lost my parents, 6 brothers, 2 sisters, all my aunts, uncles, most of my cousins, nieces, nephews, and several close friends.

I went through a terrible divorce at 32 years of age with three children and no work experience at all. I was scared to death and thinking I couldn't do it.......but I went back to school and got my two year degree and a business college degree. I worked steadily and full-time, without interruption from 1975 until June 30 of 2006. I took a small amount of pride in my independence and my "strength" even through it all. I, most of the time, felt like I had stood strong against adversity. I never received a penny of child support, even though I was married to a doctor who worked in cancer research and taught at the U of Washington. They didn't enforce it back those days.

But, the kids and I hung together and we made it. They were all grown and married with children of their own. I got remarried in 1975 and we struggle along, it wasn't always easy, but we're still together.

I didn't think I was supremely happy or unhappy...... I just took life for granted, loving my grand children and my kids and working and having friends, etc.....

But when Frank's daughter Danni committed suicide.......... I had a very abrupt and painful interruption in my life. It shocked and devastated me. Right after she diied, not even two weeks after, one of Scott's best friends told us that Scott had only been given four months to live. I, of course, confronted? (asked) Scott about it and he denied it.

Now I know why, we had just lost his sister and he watched how hurt and upset we were and didn't want us to worry any more and feel any more pain than we already were. But, as time went by I could see him getting sicker and sicker every day and I still refused to believe it was terminal.

Danni's life was such a mess when she died. She left two teenage boys who were running absolutely wild. One of them had been a runaway for more than three months and we didn't know about it. Danni's new husband had adopted the boys legally..... which was a nightmare. We hunted down the 15 year old and brought him home with us. He was so sweet......... I thought. We fixed up a bedroom for him, new carpet, shades, beds, all new bedding......... and I spent a fortune getting clothes for him. He didn't even have shoes when he came here....... he was wearing a pair that a friends sister had given him.

We hired an attorney, very expensive, and went to court to prove the adopted father was not a good father. It worked, he was and is a total alcoholic. He kept a loaded gun beside his bed and constantly threatened to kill himself with it.........
Instead of fighting us, he signed the boys over to us. One of them was older, in college and had a girlfriend he was moving in with and wasn't interested in coming to live with us. The other one did for six months. I got him into counseling and took him for a physical and to the dentist..... and registered him in school here.

He stayed with us for six months............. but he was sneaking out every night, and then he blackmailed the other teenage grandsons into going with him. We'd go to bed and they'd sneak out the window and walk the streets all night long.

We found out about it.I was angry at him but he wasn't even sorry. He lied to us over and over.

He had a girlfriend in the little town where they had lived which was about 40 miles north of us. Our telephone bill was astronomical..... he called her sometimes 40 times a day. I got us on a paid long distance plan but only after we paid horrible phone bills.

He wouldn't do his homework and was failing in school. He got into trouble......... and all the while, I was watching Scott get sicker and sicker..... Eric was still with us when we lost Scott. I just couldn't deal with it anymore.

We told him he either had to straighten up or we wouldn't be responsible for him. So, he decided to go back to his "dad". We lost Scott in October, I don't have to tell anyone how that affected me, and Eric stayed with us through December. He came the middle of June, when his mother died, and stayed through December. Then in February, my nephew died. That was such a shock to me........he practicallyy grew up with my kids.

Just a few days ago I got a call from the court, juvenile department............. apparently Eric had been in the hospital on life support.............from drinking too much alcohol. Nobody called to tell us that he was in there......... on life support. That really upset me.........we could have lost him and nobody called to tell us that he was on the run again and had been for months. The probation guy wanted to know if we wanted to take him back, but we couldn't because we couldn't control him, he wouldn't mind and he had told us he had no intention of "changing". Right now, neither Frank nor I have what it takes to manage a totally out of control teenager. It about drove me crazy after Scott passed, trying to keep Eric in school and safe.

I love that kid but finally I had to admit that we couldn't help him. Once a teenager gets use to being totally his own boss..... there's no going back.

So, he went back to Matt. I found out that he's driving now.. and drinking. That worries me to death. But, I can't do a thing about it. I'm trying to accept that now.

So, I called the juvenile court guy back and he said that the court will be watching Eric and his "dad" very carefully now. If Eric goofs up again, or gets picked up......... they'll send him to a group home. I think that would be best for him but it makes me so sad.

In the meantime, I find out that my niece, Martha, is dying.

So, now it seems any bad news just about sends me over the edge. I just can't take it and give it the proper amount of attention......... it seems to knock me off my feet totally. I get so down I don't even want to answer the phone. It's been so much bad news.

I've been very alone and withdrawn the past few days, not wanting to have a conversation with anyone about anything.

I didn't think I could explain even a part of it, but I guess I just did. It's at least what's been going on in my world, but my mind and emotions sort of shut down on me. I've been very "numb", not recognizing my own self...and my reactions. I have no interest in anything right now..... and I don't like the feeling of simply not caring anymore.

Usually I sort of "process" it all and then file some of it away, but it's all been going round and round in my mind and I haven't been able to sort it out at all. It feels like, just now I don't have a safe hole to crawl into. My entire life has spun out of control and I'm helpless to do a thing about it.

So............... there my friends, that's why I have been curled into a chubby little ball.

Barbara · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 6:54 pm

Jane ,
My heat breaks,but you've down everything you know how.Its all in Gods hands.He will take care of Eric and I will send up many, many prayers for you both.

sending lots of HUGS,
Barbara

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 7:13 pm

Dear Jane,

Honey so much of your life parallels mine. Probably because we are about the same age and came from the same time frame and culture. I married at age 20 and had my first child 11 months later. I had my 4 daughters in 8 years. I was divorced and struggled financially. I had 2 years of college when I married, and later went back to finish my last 2 years. I worked from 1985 til this year as a public high school teacher. I had one child who had drug and alcohol problems and I tried for years to help her. Hospitalizations, AA meetings, NA meetings, counseling, anything and everything, but I could not get her to straighten out her life. I feared for her safety. I still worry about her. Her life is one drama after another.

A series of events made me decide to retire this year.

I thought that I had "paid my dues" and my life was so sweet. I married my Don in 1996, my children were grown and I looked forward to a great life with the man I love and my children. I had lost my Mom, grandma, Granddad, cousins and friends, but never ever did I think one of my children could or would die before me. My Dad died Sept 1 2006.

But nothing, absolutely nothing compares to the death of our child(ren). NOTHING. Sweetie, you are still so new on this horrid grief journey. You are still in that first year of all the "firsts". You are doing great to be breathing and able to think and process language. I swear Jayne I was so crazy in grief the first 2 years that most of it seems like a painful, unbelievable blurr. You are doing good, honey. Hybernate when you need to hybernate. Scream, wail, cry, sob, or just still when you need to do those things. As long as what you are doing does not hurt you or anyone else, and you feel it is what you need to do then do it.

Dear Jayne, I am sending you love and gentle thoughts. I do not have any answers, but I know the pain and my friend I will walk along your side.

With love,

Drea · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 7:18 pm

Jane,

I am so very sorry. (((HUGS))) I'm glad you trust us enough to share your thoughts with us. That is a lot to digest, one thing after another. Next time you come to Portland please don't hesitate to call Lucy, we could be there for you in a few minutes. We are all there for you. Just take it one day at a time.

Love you,
Andrea

Cece · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 11:01 pm

Jane, Andrea is right. We are just an hour away. One call and we are on our way. I so understand your heartache. You know about my story from our phone conversation. I too have lost my father, aunts, uncles cousins grandparents and a niece. And now, the worst heartache of all, the loss of my first child. But, we are your friends and we will be here for you.

Lynda · **Posted:** Wed Sep 19, 2007 11:35 pm

Dearest Jane,
If I could just give you a hug and cry with you right now, I WOULD! You have gone through so much...there are no words for what you have been and continue to go through. My heart hurts so much for you, that God and I are going to have a serious father/daughter talk tonight about my sister (you) and all of your pain. When my friends are hurting like you are, I tend to feel so helpless. But do know that you have always been in my prayers and you will continue to be in my prayers. I love you Jane and please remember to take care of yourself. We tend to forget about ourselves during times like this, and I know it is easier said then done, but you are so important and cared for by all of us here. You have my number if you ever need to talk, or I can call you hun. Just say the word. (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Sep 20, 2007 12:06 am

Jane, I read your post earlier but I couldn't answer it at the time. I had no more to say than I have ever said and sometimes words can seem so empty. But this I will tell you now. When I went to Church tonight I went up front during the alter service and I stood in for this special friend in my life name Jane. I can't come to you and even if I could I can't help you when you're hurting so bad, but I know a God that can come where you are and do for you what it is you need. So...I stood in the gap for you and I'm believing the Lord is going to give you the strength you so desperately need. If He can and will do it for me...and He does...then I know He can and will do it for you.
I love you Jane, more than you will ever know.
Love and prayers, Cindy

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