what is wrong with me?

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

i try so hard but i feel like i can,t move.i tried to wrap 1 of the few gifts i got my boys,and i started to shake and panic.i didnt do this last year,i just cried.but now i feel a panic all over me.what can i do to make it better.i know this is real what has happened to my Chris ,its so hard.i feel like im losing it

Cindy · **Posted:** Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:06 pm

Oh Carla, I'm sorry. Is there someone else that could wrap your gifts for you? Sometimes we just need help because it just too hard. It's normal (don't you just hate that word?). Last year you were still in shock. When B.J. had been gone a year I had to get my kids to wrap all of mine or they wouldn't have gotten wrapped. Please ask for and accept help with this. And know I'm praying for you.
Love, Cindy

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

cindy,thank you,you make me feel normal.im going to finally ask for help.i will see if my friend can wrap them.i have never experienced this before .i always enjoyed the wrapping .it bought great joy to me.

Cindy · **Posted:** Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:37 pm

Carla, the day will come that you will have joy again but it will be different. But for now you just have to do whatever it takes to get through. It's all a part of that thing called finding how to live again. But Carla, no matter how much we hate it we can't make it hurry. I think it will probably always be bittersweet (when the joy comes again) but it will come and you'll look back on these first years and know it was the Lord that got you through.
Love, Cindy

JANE_E · **Posted:** Mon Dec 10, 2007 5:46 pm

Carla,
I'm experiencing the same thing.............I've got all my wrapping paper in my living room, the gifts are piled in a pile and I just can't seem to wrap. I've always enjoyed it and written special little notes to attach to each gift........ I can't, I just can't.

If I take a couple anti-anxiety pills I could.....but then I'm so sleepy I can't sit up or focus on anything. I've wrapped two presents..........

My tree is still in it's box in the garden room and here I sit on the computer. I don't want to do it............

I hope what they say is true, that in years to come....if I live that long, I'll rejoin the human race and find a small amount of pleasure in Christmas.........

I was better last year than I am this year......... last year it was only two months after Scott passed and I was still in total denial and also so medicated.

I can't seem to even pretend to have the spirit..........

MissingMyMelody&Mommy · **Posted:** Tue Dec 11, 2007 7:18 am

I'm right there with you. I don't have the holiday spirit at all. I just don't feel like trying to be happy on the first Christmas without Melody and yet I want it to be a happy day for my other children. I'm just lost. Love, peace, hugs and prayers to you all!

Love,
Crystal

JANE_E · **Posted:** Tue Dec 11, 2007 12:26 pm

Debi,
your entire posting described me........ I did not procrastinate "before". I would get up and at it early and would accomplish everything I had to accomplish....and would stay up at night until I was done.

I wanted my house CLEAN, things baked, decorations complete, tree up, cards sent out.......and as exhausted as I was....... it was done with love, fun and determination. I wanted my children and my grandchildren to always have a good Christmas.....

I simply can't anymore. I don't love anyone any less.........but something in me just quit. I can't........... do it anymore.

I'm also torn........between wanting to show my love for all my family still here and trying to move forward, but fearing that my beloved son will think I've forgotten him. God knows that will never happen.

I'm wracked with guilt for whatever reason I'm not sure, I can't even say what I'm guilty of anymore........... I just feel guilty...........for living maybe.

I'm also like Debi......... I need to know.........at all times, that my anti-anxiety meds are in my purse. I may not even take them.........but I will certainly have a panic attack if I leave home without at least a couple tucked into my purse. Sometimes I'll drop one or two in my jean pocket..........and if I'm away from home and my heart starts pounding and I feel the pressure rising inside........if I can't find one I must go home immediately.
I don't always take them.........but I've had such terrible experiences with anxiety and panic attacks....... I must feel that security at all times.

Life is such a huge challenge now. Things that once were routine, I simply can't do anymore. Or, even worse, I just don't want to do anymore........ and now I give myself permission to simply not do it.

God Bless us all,
jane

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Dec 11, 2007 2:53 pm

I guess I'm just the complete opposite...from day one I have never hid my emotions from my husband and other children. For me I figured it was better to let them know how and what I was feeling and not add to my stress by keeping it inside. I guess we all just have to do whatever it is that works for us.
Love yall and praying for us all, Cindy

MissingMyMelody&Mommy · **Posted:** Tue Dec 11, 2007 3:58 pm

I'm definitely with Debi and Jane when it comes to the anti-anxiety meds. I've had anxiety/panic attacks since 4 days after I birthed Landon and just knowing that I have the meds if I start feeling that tightening in my chest, the almost debilitating inability to catch my breath is usually enough to get me through. I'm so sorry that we all have a reason to be here, to feel these feelings. I love you all so very much. I'm sending tons of hugs, love, peace and white light to each and every one of you.

Love,
Crystal

momma to3 boys · **Joined:** Fri Aug 31, 2007 2:34 pm **Posts:** 171

I am like cindy,i dont hide my emotions ,they know how much we hurt.

what is wrong with me?

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