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 Post subject: please read if u care. please i need help/advice/anything.
PostPosted: Tue Mar 10, 2009 6:00 am 
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to start off i want to say that i've never done anything like this before, the whole posting on a forum thing. but my wife & i have been trying to figure out ways for me to grieve & get my feelings out about my dad passing away oct.10, 2008.

here it goes...

i can honestly say that until oct.10,2008 i would of never thought that i would cry about my dad dying. my dad, he was an ass hole. always has been to me. growing up him & i never really had a relationship. i mean as a child i remember having good times with him, but as i got older, the meaner he was. i have never been like my brother & sister (both older than me @ least 10 year difference in age). as in i have always been the shy quiet one, the unique one, emotional. my sister moved out when i was still pretty young to go to college & my brother moved out a few years later. so it was me, my mom & dad. i remember laying in bed listening to my dad yelling @ my mom about just stupid stuff ya know. then somehow it always came back to me... about how i was in other words just worthless. one time my dad said i was another "**** up just like my brother". he used to use the belt to spank our butts, i remember him using it on me only a few times when i was a child. that & one other time when he pushed me down was the only time that he ever really laid a hand on me. all his abuse was verbal & mental. everything he ever said to me, everything i ever heard... every bad memory built up inside me. my brother & sister were able to move out, grow up & have these great relationships with my dad. here i was, living @ home untill i was 23 (i'm 28 now) & only talking to him when i had to untill i moved out then it turned to hardly never. i got married @ 24 (still no relationship with him). moved out of state for 3 years (in those 3 years i probably talked to him 4 or 5 times if that). about a year ago we moved back because we learned that my wife would be having our first baby. he was born aug. 28, 2008. my dad never went to hospital the 4 days that we were there. granted, he wasnt feeling good around this time- but still, he could of gone to the hospital to see him born i thought. so i held that against him. my parents smoke, so their house stinks of smoke & pet hair. that & the fact that i was pissed off @ my dad i never took my son over there. i told my mom about the whole smoke & pet hair thing, that if he wanted to see him he could come by (less than a 5 min drive). but he wasn't feeling good my mom said, yada yada yada. he would try. oct. 10, my sister called me & said that i should come over to moms because dad had passed away. the day he died was the day i took my son over there with me. he never met him. i think he was able to see a pic of him on my moms camera, but he was never able to see him, hold him, hear him. that day i was crushed. i never knew how i felt about my dad. i was never able to get my chance to build my relationship with him like my brother & sister had. i was just, not ready to let go of everything yet. i never had a chance.
now there isn't a day, a DAY that doesnt go by & i dont think about my dad... how he was never able to meet his youngest child's son, i think about how i don't remember the last time that i talked to him, that i saw him. isn't that ****ed up? sometimes i just see flashes of him, his face looking @ me when he was alive, sometimes it's when he was laying in bed the day he died. sometimes i just wish that he would come to me in my dreams or even in person as a ghost & tell me that everything is alright, that he forgives me, that he doesn't hold anything against me. my mom says that it's all okay. that it was all strange circumstances that he was never able to meet him. okay, that's true. but i know that he wasn't feeling good. i could of just taken him over there one day, but i never did. sometimes i look @ my son & i just cry because i know that my dad can't see him growing up, he doesn't know how sorry i am. i can't let go of this. i don't know if this is normal, if this has happened to anyone else...i'm just @ a loss right now with all of this. is it normal to see flashes of my dad all the time, alive/dead? if anyone can help, has advice, anything to say please do. thank you for listening.


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 Post subject: Re: please read if u care. please i need help/advice/anything.
PostPosted: Mon Mar 16, 2009 4:33 pm 
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Joined: Sun Aug 26, 2007 4:24 pm
Posts: 350
Location: Portland,Oregon
Often times when we lose a parent we have conflicted emotions. Whatever you are feeling is completely normal. Grief is a very individual thing. Here is a poem that has helped me since my mom died 10 days ago.

When I come to the end of my journey and I travel my
last weary mile, just forget if you can, that I ever
frowned and remember only the smile. Forget unkind
words I have spoken remember some good I have done.
Forget that I ever had heartache and remember I've had
loads of fun. Forget that I've stumbled and blundered
and sometimes fell by the way, remember I have fought
some hard battles and won, ere the close of the day.
Then forget to grieve for my going, I would not have
you sad for a day, but in the summer just gather some
flowers and remember the place where I lay. Come in
the shade of the evening when the sun paints the sky in the
west, stand for a few moments beside me and
remember only my best.

I spoke these words at her service. Mostly to try to ease the conflicted emotions of one of my sisters who was very resentful of our mother and not very close to her. I can't figure out why Mom treated her the way she did. I know mom loved her. This happens sometimes. Just try to forgive. You will be better for it. Lucy Carter

_________________
Lucy Carter

http://laura-dawn.last-memories.com

In loving memory of, Laura Dawn 2/26/68-7/19/07, my first born child, my daughter, my friend.
And
In loving memory of, Myron H. (Ozzie) Osborne 8/22/22-3/29/89, My dad, my teacher, my hero.
Image

Megan, Heather, Andrew,( Laura ), Mary, Jim, Russell


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 Post subject: Re: please read if u care. please i need help/advice/anything.
PostPosted: Tue Jan 19, 2010 9:53 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 04, 2010 8:41 pm
Posts: 3
Location: Kentucky
dear lars i did respond to you i dont know what happen iam sorry about all the pain you r going thrue i would like to help you so let me know ok and take care ps dont give up it will get a bit les hard over time i promisse iam going thrue all that so i know bless you and i hope i will hear from you victoria


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 Post subject: Re: please read if u care. please i need help/advice/anything.
PostPosted: Mon Jan 25, 2010 12:10 pm 
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Joined: Mon Jan 25, 2010 11:16 am
Posts: 1
To Lars
I know you must be having a terrible time. I lost my dad in may and their are things I wish I could have said or done before he went. I think we always do that. We take the people we love for granted and son't realize it until they are gone. That is what I did. I thought I had a lifetime to make things right but the end for him came too fast. Unexpected. My step brother killed himself 6 weeks before my dad shot himself. He died on mothers day 2009. I never thought i could go on I just wanted to give up. What helps me get through is I have three children and they barely knew their grandpa, but when I look at them i see my dad and I know he is watching over them and me from heaven. I haven't healed and don't think that hole in your life and heart will go away. But you will be able to move on and eventually forget the bad and only see the good.

I'd like the memory of me to be a happy one. I'd like to leave an after glow of smiles when life is done. I'd like to leave an echo whispering softly down the way of happy times and laughing times and bright and sunny days. I'd like the tears of those who grieve to dry before the sun of happy memories that I leave when life is done!


This is a poem that really helps me. My dad was a cancer survivor. He died with no voice box and wasn't able to speak for 17 years. Today he is talking in heaven. I believe your baby is the key to help you overcome your guilt.


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 Post subject: Re: please read if u care. please i need help/advice/anything.
PostPosted: Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:37 pm 
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Joined: Wed Feb 10, 2010 1:18 pm
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To Lars, I am so sorry for what you are going through and I truly understand your grief. I lost my father on December 16, 2004, which makes the holidays very hard for me. I did not have the kind of relationship that you did with your father but it was strained for a while because of my son telling lies about my fiance. Naturally my father is going to come to the aid of his grandson and they took him in to get him away from the hostile situation he was claiming he was in. Until a few months passed and both of my parents realized what the truth was. My father was a very proud man and he respected everyone but if he felt you were not worthy he would not shake your hand, that hand shake meant alot. It wasn't until my father started to experience some of the things my son was about that he realized that he was lying about my fiance. It still took a few years after I started to bring the family back together, my father said to my fiance that he would never shake his hand until one day I witnessed the most beautiful thing. My father extended his hand to my fiance and my fiance was unsure but still extended his hand to shake my fathers. The hand shake was the most beautiful sight I had ever seen and my father apologized to my fiance and told him that he was a good man and that I was very lucky to have him. That meant everything to my fiance because at that moment he knew my father respected him. We had only a few short years of that but they were beautiful. I only wish that you were able to have that. My prayers go out to you and my best advice would be to cherish the happy memories that you had of your father, remember them and I promise you that when you do that other memories will pop up that you have somehow blocked because of the pain you were in while he was alive. Trust me also that your father did love you and possibly had a hard time showing that himself, he had problems of his own that probably stemmed from his own childhood. Bless You Lars


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 Post subject: Re: please read if u care. please i need help/advice/anything.
PostPosted: Fri Feb 12, 2010 7:28 pm 
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Joined: Fri Feb 12, 2010 6:48 pm
Posts: 2
hey, I read you story. you seem so upset with yourself. I just wanted to say that when we loose people we love we always have regrets. I lost my fiance and I can think of a million things I wish I had done differently. I'm a firm believer in God, and I beleive that the people who pass on know what were going through, and know our pain. I beleive that your father wouldnt want you to feel this way. My Father was in the same boat as you. my grandfather was a terrible drinker and was horrible to my dad. he passed away and it was the first time i have ever seen him cry. and he had millions of regrets. there are reasons why we do things in life. no one is to say whether its wrong or right. but I know that you cant live your life in the past. find confort in knowing your father is in a wonderful place where there is no pain or anger. remember that. hes happy and you should be too, and live your life with your head up. you cant live your life always looking back. take care and I hope this helps.


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 Post subject: Re: please read if u care. please i need help/advice/anything.
PostPosted: Sat Feb 20, 2010 12:09 pm 
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Joined: Sat Feb 20, 2010 11:48 am
Posts: 1
Lars,
I felt as though I had to reply to you, we have quite alot in common. My dad passed away 9 months ago today, and sometimes I find it hard to understand my feeling or wether or not they are realistic. When my dad passed I almost found myself forcing out some tears or making my heart break, simply because he was my dad and isnt that how were supposed to react? The truth is that my dad and I had a difficult relationship most of my life and I held on to more resentment than anything else. Both of my parents were drug addicts throughout most of my childhood up until 3 years before he died. There was never time for his 2 kids, which was myself and my brother who is 2 1/2 years younger than me. On the days he was "up" he was to busy partying with his friends, sometimes several at a time. On the days he was "down" he either slept for days at a time, leaving my brother and I to learn to take care of ourselves at a young age. On those down days, when he wasnt sleeping, he was fighting with my mom, sometimes resulting in major physical altercations that my brother and I stood at the door and watched. I was sexually "touched" by a friend of his at the age of 9, and although he didnt know until I was 18, he continued to be friends with the man regardless of how his "little girl" felt. On many occassions I was the target of his heavy hand, however never one time did my brother recieve so much as a spanking. I left home when I was 19, mainly because I was 3 months pregnant and my mother threw me out, leaving my brother to be an "only child" and my dad spoiled him, almost making me feel as though it was always a celebration that I was gone and rewarding my brother with things such as cars (nothing fancy, always used pieces of crap) money or anything he wanted.

my parents moved in with me (not my single brother) about 4 years ago and did nothing to pitch in to help support them. my husband and i supported them 100%, even had to clean up after them, along with our 4 kids. after many failed attempts to rid myself of the burdon, i finally stuck to my guns on april 4th and told them they had to go. they continuously extended the move out date week after week, with final word that they were to leave on may 22nd to live in the middle of the desert in their motorhome. Knowing it was selfish of me to put my own parents out like that, I didnt budge, and quit talking to him nearly 2 weeks before they were to leave. He passed away may 20th here at my house from a massive heartattack. I dont know when him and I spoke last, what we said or if it was even pleasant. Ive had a hard time knowing how im supposed to fell anymore. I miss him, or at least I miss something about him. Im just as confused as you..


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