What are we doing here? This isn't the plan I made...

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sat Sep 29, 2007 6:00 am

It's almost three am.... another night without sleep. I can't comprehend life or death....... what have we all done to deserve this pain?

Where is my son, your son, your daughter, your precious infant? WHERE? Why has this happened and why does it continue to happen? I don't understand, I just can't understand ................ WHY?

I hurt, oh dear God how I hurt............. my heart literally is broken........ I'm trying so hard, so very hard to get back on my feet. My son is trying to help me........ but still I grieve..........so much. My tears will surely drown me one day.

I look at a picture of my son and I'm absolutely certain it's not true..........it can't be true.... what a sickening nightmare I've had for the past year........... it's just not possible. HOW CAN THIS BE TRUE?

How can we be expected to go on with our lives? Why didn't they just bury me with him.........they knew I'd surely die from the sorrow......... why didn't I die with him.... ?

There's no way I'll ever get over this........... it only gets worse. I can't see myself in one year, two years, ten years....... twenty years........... still sitting here sobbing and trying to keep from screaming in rage, in pain, like a wounded animal. That's how I feel, like a wounded animal who will live, but with wounds so deep that it can never function again.

What is a mother to do with herself when she loses a child? The word loses is so pathetic, as if we just misplaced them somewhere.......... but I can never use the word die in the same sentence with one of my children. It can't be........ It just could not happen..........

Where is my son? I need to know how to go back in time and change everything... I'd give all the rest of my years for one more day with him.

Lynda · **Posted:** Sat Sep 29, 2007 9:32 am

Dear Jane,
I feel the the heartwrenching in pain every word you wrote. I also question how we have survived the lose of our children. If losing a child was a medical condition, we would all be in ICU, if not with our children.
Know that Scott is OK...actually, he is better than OK...he is PERFECT! Scott doesn't feel the pain you are feeling, it is imposible for him to. I honestly believe our children wish they could reassure our hearts and mind in knowing that they are happy and that they are cheering us on to continue this race God has set out before us. I think one of the many reasons why they are happy is because they know they will be with us again. There is no TIME in heaven, so they will be with us sooner than we feel we will see them again. I know this is all so confussing, but this is what I have to believe to make it through these difficult days and nights.
We are here for you Jane, to pour your heart out. I believe our children brought us all together, as they didn't want us to go through this alone. They continue to love us, even from heaven. God said we will recognize each other. They know their Mama's!
Hugs,
Lynda

Susan · **Posted:** Sat Sep 29, 2007 12:09 pm

Dear Jane,

My heart is crying with yours. I'm so sorry. I wish none of us had to know this kind of pain. If you can, stay in the moment. Take it slow and easy, one day at a time. In time the pain becomes softer, if that makes sense. Or maybe we just get used to living with the loss, because it is a part of every fiber of our being.

Our children are fine, it is us, those left behind, who are not. We will never get over this loss, we go through it. But remember, every day here is one day closer to being with our children again for eternity!

Love and hugs,
Susan

Susan · **Posted:** Sat Sep 29, 2007 12:21 pm

Grief By: Gwen Flowers

I had my own notion of grief.

I thought it was the sad time

That followed the death of someone you love.

And you had to push through it

To get to the other side.

But I'm learning there is no other side.

There is no pushing through.

But rather,

There is absorption.

Adjustment.

Acceptance.

And grief is not something you complete,

But rather, you endure.

Grief is not a task to finish

And move on,

But an element of yourself-

An alteration of your being.

A new way of seeing.

A new definition of self.

By: Gwen Flowers

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sat Sep 29, 2007 1:38 pm

I just got up. I ended up taking some sleeping meds and they really knocked me out....it's after 10:00 in the morning.

I'm exhausted............. don't know what brought about that total meltdown last night. I'm shaky and feel very run down and weak. Grief is exhausting!

Thank you so much..... I sat by the window staring at the dark for probably two hours before I came in here to write that post. I'm sorry I dumped on everyone, .........sometimes, out of the blue, my heart seems to either explode inside me or it gets tighter and heavier until it shrivels up and becomes a tight, non functioning little ball of lead in my chest.

I count on the love and understanding I receive from all of you. You are my survival rock and without you, I could not take my next breath. I don't think I'm aware how fragile my health is right now..........so many things going on in my mind.

I felt it coming on earlier in the evening........ my heart was pounding and my mind was going over and over things......... then, I started writing my evening letter to Scott.... and it started. once it starts, it won't go away...........

I have to hold it back so much when the kids are here. Once they go to sleep I feel incredibly lonely........the laughter is all gone, the silence is horrid.

This too shall pass..........for one more day anyway....... I think it builds inside us until we have to let it out and release some of the pressure.

I send my love and my prayers to all of you. I think I need to spend some time talking to God......... I lashed out in anger at him again last night. I owe him a big apology.

Thank you my loving friends,
jane

Cindy · **Posted:** Sat Sep 29, 2007 2:52 pm

Jane, I'm just now getting to come on here. I'm so sorry it was so hard for you last night and I'm glad you're a little better this morning. Well it's already afternoon now. I've learned that when the meltdown needs to happen it's just best to go ahead and let it. It does relieve some of the pressure. It's how we survive.
And Jane, God understands and He's not upset at you. Besides...His mercies are new every morning. I guess He knew we would need them every morning.
I love you and I pray for you always, Cindy

katpohl · **Joined:** Thu Sep 06, 2007 3:44 am **Posts:** 22

Reading your posts here is like ya'll are reading my heart or what is left of it .
My condolences and thoughts go to each and everyone of the parents that find themselves here.
It will be 7 years on October 10 that my beautiful , full of life 21 year old daughter
Verna Mae left the ranch going to town to work, 3 miles later she instantly became an
angel when a drunk driver was passing a car on a yellow line curve coming from town.
In a post someone said " the pain becomes softer" , I like that description. It does seem like it is'nt as 'cutting' or harsh , a woman I knew only slightly told me about a month after Vernas funeral , "that as long as I was waiting for 'my life to return to normal' all I was doing was driving my self CRAZY",, normal as I knew it changed at 2:30pm Wednesday October 10,2001.. I so wanted to hit that woman or slam the door on her nose or something at least as painful as the picture she had painted with her words, when she seen the pain in my eyes , she told me her 17 year old son left the house to go for a soda one day and a drunk driver crossed 3 lanes before hitting her sons car and killing him instantly, 16 years before,,,and then she just held me while I sobbed and never said no more , I have never seen her since that day but have never forgotten her words.
I was Blessed for the time I had verna mae to love and care for and Thank heaven daily my verna's love and energy and the memories,,

Cindy · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2007 3:14 am

katpohl,
I'm so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter Verna Mae. There just is no other pain like the loss of a child. I hope that by coming here you can find understanding and maybe some comfort as well.
Love and prayers, Cindy

Lynda · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2007 8:32 am

Dear Katpohl,
I am so sorry to for the lose of your precious daughter, Verna. We welcome you to the forums with open arms and understanding hearts, but really wish none of us had a reason to be here. I look forward to getting to know you and your precious daughter better. Sending you many (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Lynda

katpohl · **Joined:** Thu Sep 06, 2007 3:44 am **Posts:** 22

Thank you all for the welcome,
I spent a large part of the first 2 years between grief forums , chat rooms and her grave and I mean literally ,I had mentally tied my self to her headstone thinking about how UNFAIR it is that that damn stone had her name instead not mine chiseled there ,
and those forums and chat rooms gave me an outlet for the pain and grief ,,I finely went for some grief and anger management therapy close to a years worth of that got me 'off her headstone' I just this last year have been setting goals and meeting them ,,like getting a pickup, insurance, registration etc... losing the extra 30 lbs. I have piled on my backside or changing my lazy way of thinking about supporting myself again,, I was working as a cook/server supervisor 65 hours a week when Verna passed ,
I have'nt worked 65 hours in the 7 years sense that day in October I finelly started making pocket change enough to feed me and my dogs acouple of years ago ,, and just when I almost had myself convinced
that ,'yes I will be spending the rest of MY life with out my girl and I needed to 'heal and deal with it ,, the one person that has been my rock and anchor thur it all was killed August 25. My brother .he turned 48 July 18 and I turned 47 August 26,,all our lifes we stood up and took care of each other,, when his wife ran off and he had 3 little kids and a 70 hour a week job I stood up and helped him till he got gis deal lined out and under control ect..
he was 'dad' to my three kids when I needed help especially with the 2 boys .. ok so now its out,, we had wonderful kids with not so wonderful partners ,,,lol,,,
I refuse to tie myself to his grave ,,It and my daughters is just across the cemetery from each other,, we live on the family ranch and have our own private cemerty,, all my loved ones are just across the hyway from my place,, dad ,uncles aunts , grandparents,,so its not at all hard to sit over there and wallow in self pity . My daughter was my only girl and the baby,, so I am an empty nester and my dogs just are'nt real helpful with 'tough love' talks,,lol
I came to this forum after finding the Memory Page part of the site , My brother was an OTR heavy haul truck driver and went off a 20 ft. embankment and the load of pipe he was hauling landed on top of the cab.
ok I came here just to thank all of you for the welcome and have wound up rambling on and on,, I took ya'll at your word when you offered an ear or hugs ,, THANKS again.
and I will be a willing shoulder or ear in return,,
XXXXXX ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))) to all

Susan · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2007 1:12 pm

Katpohl,

I'm so sorry to hear of your heartbreaking losses. Isn't it amazing that one minute our life is just moving along and then the next everything is turned upside down and inside out in the blink of an eye. Equally amazing to me is that we continue to function in any capacity whatsoever.

God bless you and keep you sweetie.

Love to you and Verna Mae,
Susan

Barbara · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2007 4:40 pm

Jane,
I'm so sorry for all the pain your going through.I really don't know what to say to make it better.I'll be sending up many,many prayers that God will help you find the peace and comfort you need.
Love and Hugs,
Barbara

Barbara · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2007 4:47 pm

Katpohl,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter Verna Mae.No one should ever have to suffer the lose of a child.
Welcome to our forum!!
Hugs,
Barbara

JANE_E · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2007 5:03 pm

First I want to say thank you to my beloved friends on this forum. What would I ever do without you. You are my lifeline at times. When I get to "that place" mentally and emotionally, no one can touch my pain......... My husband tries, but absolutely no-one can.....except you.

That's because when you tell me you understand......... I know you mean it. The word "understand" has taken on an entirely new meaning since I found myself traveling on this painful journey. People say those words so casually, but unless they've been here, they truly do not understand. I didn't. I tried to when a friend or family member lost a child, but now, in looking back, I didn't understand. I could not grasp the depth of agony you feel when you lose a child. There is no way someone can grasp the pain and sorrow that we've been forced to live with. It's beyond anything I could even imagine. It's like a cancer, eating at you constantly, twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, 365 days a year. There is no relief. First thought every morning last thought every night.

Second I really do want to welcome Katpohl to this forum and to offer a sincere "I'm sorry" that you're forced to become a member of this club. I pray that we can offer you some support, some understanding as you begin to travel with us. It's the most difficult thing we've ever had to endure........but if we can help you, we're here for you.

Thank you all so very, very much, Sometimes I get so confused about all of this. How can we be expected to "go on"? Why? What's come from this pain? I don't see the point in this much suffering........and I don't see an end in sight. I think I will feel this way until I die............. but I'm sorry for the entire world now. I have found that when I say "I'm sorry" to someone...........those words come from my heart.........not my head. I feel the sorrow that seems to float so freely in this world. I wish I could help everyone, ease their pain...... but it seems instead of helping others, I'm the most needy person of all.

Love, hugs, prayers,
jane

Lynda · **Posted:** Sun Sep 30, 2007 7:08 pm

Dear Katpohl,
You have been through so much and it is an honor for you to share both your daughter and your brother with us here. We each seem to have days throughout the week or month when we need someone else to take the next step for us, and we always seem to pull through for each other. Welcome hun, holding your hand on this journey (((HUGS)))
Hugs,
Lynda

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