TODAY'S TOPIC: We've all changed, tell us who you are now

JANE_E · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 2:02 am

We've all changed so much. The person we were no longer exists. We changed the moment our child passed....... and we've continued to change as we've struggled to come to terms with what's happened. I think we will continue to evolve the rest of our lives..........never completing the process.

Please skip any question that you're not comfortable answering......

Tell us what you feel is so different now about you. Your attitude toward life, death, the security you once felt you had. Do you feel more vulnerable to tragedy now than you did before?

Tell us what's changed in your faith: is it stronger, or strained now, were you mad at God, are you still mad at God?

Tell us about your relationship with a spouse or significant other, was it strengthened or weakened?

Tell us about your relationship with your other children: Have you been as nurturing as you once were? Do you fear for their lives also? Has your grief interfered with your parenting of them? OR, if your other children are grown, has it interfered with your relationship with them, (be they your biological or your step children)

Tell us about you, personally, is your fear of death for yourself stronger or have you lost your fear of death for your self.

Tell us if you've gained in faith in the goodness of mankind or if you avoid interactions as best you can and were you very outgoing before?

Tell us how you feel about yourself as a person now? Are you more sensitive to the pain of others?

Are you still as vigilant about chores, make up, hair, home, etc.

In general, do you still recognize something of yourself, do you think you'll ever reclaim that person or do you even want to find that person again. Is it even possible to ever go back?

JANE_E · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 3:32 am

I'll go first: I don't believe I have any secrets left:
My attitude is now one of anxiety, and in the recent past, panic attacks..... I guess I no longer feel that I'm protected from tragedy. I don't really know where I got that feeling anyway, I've lost my entire family of origin: parents, 6 brothers, 2 sisters, all my aunts, uncles, cousins, and several nieces & nephews. I saw them as tragedies, but my "inner circle" was sacred to me, I'd never lost anyone inside that yet. I lost my parents and felt devastated, but I still had my children safely with me. Now I fear that something else is going to happen to another one of my children or a grandchild or my husband........I feel that the odds are that I'll suffer another major loss in my lifetime. I don't feel "protected" any longer. I'm out there now, exposed, and fearful that my turn will come again soon and don't think I can bear it. But...........I said before that I could never bear it and here I am, still alive.

The question about faith is a difficult one for me to answer......... I have a strong faith in God, but I'm puzzled by what I actually believe inside me......... I don't have a clear understanding of the whys and wherefores of faith. I don't have as much faith in religion as I do in God. I'm a fairly strong Catholic.......... but I still believe that religion is a man made thing, and I haven't found one that really fits all my personal beliefs. I'm not sure that would ever be possible since I don't know what all my personal beliefs are yet.

I do believe in heaven, but I don't think I believe in hell.............except that it may be right here on earth for some of us. I think God is loving and forgiving and that he is as a parent to us: there to save us in spite of ourselves. But, I also believe that the spirit, that energy force that is who we are, lives on. The body fails, but the life force still exists.That's why I believe that the spirit of our children is actually present to us. We can't see them, or hear them but I believe they exist today, as surely as they did while still here.

My relationship with my spouse is getting back on stronger feet now, but it has been challenged by all that's happened in the past year and a half. First losing his daughter and then my son. My husband is more practical........ he grieves but not the same way I do. He doesn't cry as much but I've certainly seen him in a great amount of pain during these last months. But, he does believe that life goes on and that our time is totally dependent on God. He believes we are responsible for living as best we can, and that as long as we're here and we keep the faith that we will rejoin our children when we pass. I think he also believes in the life of the spirit. We've read so much on it since losing our children and we've done so much research on the internet............. it's hard to deny since that belief goes back to before and especially during the time of Jesus. I was hard on him and at times, he was hard on me. He believes I have to "try" to survive this and I felt he didn't understand how severe my grief was and is. We've gotten past that now and for the most part, he's always there and supports me. He worries that my grief is taking a toll on my health and he's afraid something will happen to me.

What's changed in my relationship with my children: Well, for one thing, I try to make sure they know how much I love them........but I always have. Now, I fear for them. I fear they may suffer the loss of one of their children and that would be unbearable for them. I worry about my grandchildren. I think, if anything, I'm more affectionate and more tolerant, loving and giving. I've always been pretty loving toward my family but now I'm more obessive about it. Always making sure they know how much I love them.

As for myself, I have no fear of death. I don't look forward to the experience of dying and I suppose having an accident or being murdered would frighten me........but as for death............no fear at all. In fact, I welcome the hereafter. But, I don't want to cause pain for my loved ones. I try to make sure that all interactions with them will leave a good memory. We just don't know when it will be the last time we see them.

For the most part, I do have faith in and believe in the goodness of mankind. I was horrified to find cruelty and abuse by someone in the other forum and I was so quick to strike back and to anger that it surprised me. I was determined that "evil" as defined by me..... (maybe that was my mistake) would not be allowed to exist on that forum. But, I'm gone and she's still there........so what do I know?

I believe I'm more sensitive now to others. If I see someone in pain, I truly care, very, very deeply. I can't be neutral. If I see someone grieving........I'm now compelled to offer whatever little bit of comfort I can. I actually can feel the pain of others and share that pain with them. I cry openly when I visit other memory sites. I weep for each of you and truly understand and feel the pain you're experiencing. I don't believe I did feel it as deeply in the past. I would say "I'm sorry" and mean it with all sincerity...........but now........when I say that to somone......... it's a profound statement, because I mean it from the bottom of my heart.

Am I as vigilant about surface appearances now as I was before? No, definitely not. I don't even put on makeup most days. I'll go uptown now or to the grocery store without it. I never would have before. I don't keep house the way I use to.......... I'm not bothered with things getting behind. I like it clean, I just don't have the energy or ambition to put many hours into it. I do try to do the basics.....but not many of the extras. When I have my grandkids for the weekend, and that's pretty often, I don't make much effort to stay on top of it all while they're here.

I think I put more importance on love now than I ever did before and I've always been very loving and caring, but still kept up appearances at all cost. Not anymore, I've come now to the point where the heartfelt things are so much more meaningful to me.

We have a couple of dogs, and three cats and they're like our children. We love them so very much and I'm much more relaxed about them now. I desperately needed something to pour my tears onto and to love and hold in my arms.....We've always had dogs & cats since my own children were small.... but now, I must say I truly love each and every one of them as if they were my children. Last December, about two months after Scott passed I got a little beagle puppy(Ahni). She became my "child"..... She loves me and is very attached to me. She actually sleeps right between my husband and me. The December before Scott passed he brought home a little two month old black lab puppy(Sophie). Someone he worked with had her and didn't want her so he brought her to us. We fell in love with her and kept her. I was still working so she was with my huband all day and she became his. He poured a lot of his grief and love into her while he was home alone, I was still working. Those two dogs go everywhere with us.

I know this is a long posting. I hope you'll share whatever you feel comfortable sharing with us.

Love,
jane

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Lynda · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 11:17 am

Dear Jane,

I can't thank you enough for doing this. You gave us a lot of necessary things to think and talk about. THANK YOU!

There is no denying that I have changed. I miss the old me so much! Here I go with these wonderful questions, opening myself up to you ladies (and men) even more. This will help me so much!

My attitude towards life? I don't take it for granted! Not that I ever really did before...but even more so now. I now realize that my family is not immune to death, my children are not immune from death. My greatest fear has came true once, what is to keep it from happening again? I live my life being very paranoid now. When I kiss my children, in the back of my mind I wonder if it will be my last from them. It is an awful way to live, but I can't help it. I tend to think it is a matter of time before something else happens to me and my family.

My faith? There has been a lot of ups and down with my faith. My husband use to direct the young couples class in our church, and teach Sunday School. Shortly before Garion's accident he had to step down because he was overloaded with work and commitments, it was really affecting him. Because of this step down, we weren't at church as often. We believe that we are saved by grace and not by works. Even though, I have thought several times if God had punished us because of our stepping down. This is the devil messing with our minds, because we know this is not how God works. Now...we have a hard time going to church. I don't mind Sunday School,but the actual church service is HARD. To watch a church full of happy people lifting their hands and praising God for all they have in their lives and being thankful. This brings me to tears and actually makes me angry (not good to have happen in church!). I see my son at the front of the church being baptized and then I see him laying in the front of the church for his funeral. I have a lot of trouble with going to church on a regular basis. BUT that is my physical appearance at church...at home I praise God as a grieving parent. I go to Him daily and I talk to Him all the time. Most times, church is at home for me right now.

My relationship with my spouse? I don't know if this has strengthened or weakened our relationship...I think neither! Our relationship is just different. We have always been a strong couple, since we were 15 years old. After Garion's accident we did counseling together. I had to relearn Craig and he had to relearn me. It was like we were sleeping with strangers! Different is the best word to describe our relationship since the accident.

My relationsip with my other children? I am paranoid and fear losing another one of my children. I am not comfortable with them being away from me for long amounts of time unless they are with Craig or my mom. I had to learn the hard way that my children are not immune to death. In fact, the biggest change in our home, other than Garion not physically being here, is that I homeschool them now. I can't seem to get enough of them and I am constantly making new memories with them. We didn't only decide to homeschool because of the accident...but Garion's death played a part in it I am sure. This has been one of the best decisions we have made as a family. We do school for about 4 hours a day, and I wouldn't trade it for the world!

Do I fear death? NO! NOT AT ALL!!!! I daydream about what heaven is like so much more. I look forward to being with Garion, but I cry at the thought of leaving my other children AND my husband. They are what keep me here! I know Garion is being taken care of, but my other children need me and Craig would be lost without me. But when the Lord calls my name, I won't be afraid.

Do I avoid people and was I outgoing? Yes and yes!!! I use to be very outgoing. A huge part of our outings revolved around King Garion. He is our oldest child and he was always involved with something. He thrived on being active and with people. Baseball, basketball, scouts, historian club, Duke TIP program, golf, church, country club, fishing, friends spending the night every weekend, church camp, the list goes on and on. And naturally we were always there with him. Craig use to be his Cub Master and I volunteered to be his classroom parent every year. He kept us busy! After his accident our whole life came to a hault. Calyn and Rylon weren't old enough to be involved with the different activities. In fact, their lives revolved around playing with the younger siblings (thier friends) at ALL of Garion's activities. Since we don't have a reason to be at these activites anymore, our friendships aren't the same. Everything just STOPPED on August 13, 2005. I miss my old life so much!!!! We were never home on the weekends, and now we are ALWAYS home.

Am I more sensitive to the pain of others? MOST DEFINATLY! My heart and life is wanting to be with other grieving parents. I also find myself wanting to interact with other grieving siblings, trying to better understand what my children are going through and their needs. I cry easily and my heart breaks even more so now for other families who have suffered this great pain. I can understand it now and I am much more emotional! I also pray a lot of more for other families now.

Am I vigilant about chores, makeup, and home? Unfortunatly no. I use to be. It takes everything I have to just take care of the neccessties. It isn't that I don't care, but I don't have the strength or the drive I use to. I do what I have to in the home and for myself. I have also gained weight, and I hate myself for this! But I don't have what it takes to change it right now

Do I recognize myself or do I want to claim my old self? No, I don't recognize myslef. I would love to have my old self back, but it will never happen. That person died the day my child died. My old self revolved around Garion and it would be impossible to have her back without having him back. But I do miss her!!!!!

Thank you so much Jane. This was mentally good for me to go through and answer. I look forward to reading everyone elses responses.

Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 11:58 am

Yes, I feel more vulnerable to heartache now more than ever. You wouldn't think that would be the case since I already had Wayne and Buck in Heaven yet I do.

My faith is stronger. For a long time I felt like I had lost all faith but now I know I didn't. It was just in a "resting place" for lack of a better word. Maybe like the smoldering flax that the Bible talks about...just waiting for the winds to fan it so it could become flames once again. The Lord has proven Himself faithful to me over and over again. How can I not have faith? Yes, I've been mad at Him but I have learned that He is big enough to handle my anger and still love me anyway as one of His children. For that I will be forever thankful.

My relationship with Bobby has been very strained many times. Slowly but surely we work through each stage and we will continue to. You don't just through 25 years away just because you're broken...especially when neither one of you are at fault. We just have to allow each other to grieve the way we need to and give lots of grace to each other. Not always easy...but always worth it.

I'm closer than ever to my other children. Though I have seen fear of losing them cause me to withdraw from them in the beginning. Thank God that isn't still happening.

The only real fear of death I have is the thought of leaving my children behind to grieve. They love me and I know they still need me. Who would dry their tears if I wasn't here? I want them to be grown with families before the Lord calls me home. And yes, Bobby needs me every bit as much as I need him. I'd really like the Lord to call His people back in the rapture so we could all go at the same time. I know that's not a guarantee but it's still what I pray for. As the saying goes...the most I ever did for you is outlive you and that is much...is so true.

I've never been outgoing. And in answer to the question...I don't really know. I like to think the best of people but I have come away disappointed many time but then I know I've been the cause of disappointment many times too so I just try to look for the good in people.

Yes, I think I'm more sensitive to hurting people now. I believe every heartache we go through makes us that way or makes us bitter. It's a choice we are forced to make. Bitterness can creep in so easily, we have to be careful.

I'm just now getting better again with keeping my house and that's on good days. Hey, I'm just being honest. I do know that spending time with my children that are still at home is much more important than a spotless house. I do take better care of myself now than I did for a long time after losing B.J. I went through periods where I would shower and not even brush my hair except on Sundays and Wednesdays and that was only because I was going to Church. At least it was clean. But let me tell you. I have hair down to my rear and it can get full of tangles when I would go days without brushing it! I'd just wash it and roll it up in a ball and put a scrunchy on it most of the time. But...like I said at least it was clean. Thank God for Church or I might have went years without brushing it!!!!!! I can smile about it now...

Jane, I will never be the person I was before. My heart will always long for my boys and I'll miss them with every breath I take. But...I will not stay the way I am now either. I will continue to heal and I will come out a better person than I was before. I think that's what I'm suppose to do. I know it will take the rest of my life working on it but just like the little children's song says..."He's still working on me"...and like B.J. told me himself, Heaven will be worth it.

Love and prayers, Cindy

MissingMyMelody&Mommy · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 3:09 pm

I totally love this topic! I only have one answer to everything though and that answer is: I DON'T KNOW. I have a bachelor's degree and I feel about as dumb as it gets because I am in some outer world where I know NOTHING. Will this ever end?

JANE_E · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 7:18 pm

That's OK Tammy, If you needed to do it, that's why we're all here. We all have those moments when we can't contain the pain anymore.

I agree, no-one should have to experience this pain. For me, it's caused an intense bewilderment, something like, we'd been invaded from outer space.... confusion........not really knowing what's happening sometimes. It's sort of like I was dropped off in a foreign country and I don't speak the language or know the culture.

So, you answer what you can, scream if you need to, and get it out of your system for the moment............. it always builds back up again. I know for me anyway, I can have a total meltdown and feel so sick and almost hysterical, cry all night, walk the floor yell and sob and the next day I'm so tired I feel almost feeble. But, a few days later, I can go through it all again. For some reason it's totally unpredictable. I don't know what triggers it, or how to stop it.

So, you'll get no lectures here dear lady........... get as much out of your system as you can.......... we can wait forever for you if we have to.

Love you bunches,
jane

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 8:22 pm

My Dear Forum Friends,

I have not had internet service since last Thursday and how I have missed all of you. I am able to connect tonight, but do not know if I'll have service til next Tuesday.
What a wonderful topic. Thank you Jane. And thank all of you for telling your truth. That is one thing I love about you, my dear ones, your honest and lack of pretensions and letting your "public masks" down.

My attitude towards life. Well, since Krystal's death life does not make any sense to me. Before she died I had my concepts of life and death, but Krystal's death blasted any beliefs or concepts of the purpose of life to smithereens. I see the value of life in the eyes of my fellow humans and living creatures, but for me life is now something that I somehow, someway have to survive until I die. I have a fear now that maybe life really doesn't have a purpose and we were just born into this harsh world and there is no rhyme or reason, except to help others. Then we ALL die. And no one can do a thing about it. It is some horrid Cosmic Joke, and we are all pawns in it. I did not feel this way before Krystal died, but now I wonder if there life has any purpose, except to help others along the way.

My Faith. i want to believe in a loving, kind God that welcomes us home after our time is over on earth, but again krystal's death blew that to smithereens. I find myself getting very angry when I hear people talk about miracles and how their loved one was saved by God through prayer and intuition of an upcoming danger. How can that be? When krystal died, her husband's Mom had the nerve to tell me that God was wonderful and should be praised because he had saved her Joe from death because Joe has some important work to do on earth. Excuse Me??????? Didn't God think my child was worthy of saving because she had an important work to do -- raising her one year old twin sons. One of whom has celebral palsey?

Before Krystal's death I loved shows like It's A Mirracleon TV. They made me feel so warm and safe and cozy. In these shows someone is in danger of grave injury or death and God sends a little dog, or gives the person an intuition not to turn down a certain road where a car accident is about to occur. And lo the person is saved from death by this miracle. I thought these shows were wonderful and everything was in order in the universe. This stuff now makes me sick at my stomach. OK, why didn't God give Krystal or Joe a premonition not to be on Beach Blvd at the exact same moment that drunk driver was careening down the road at 80 to 100 miles an hour.Why did't he give me a premonition so I could warn my child. If I had just stayed on the phone with her, she would not have been at the exact time and place on Beach Blvd that took her life. I mean if he gives other's premonitions, why not my child. Only 5 seconds difference and Krystal would be alive today.

My relationship to my spouse. I feel so sorry for Don because the Jo Ann he married eleven years ago died when Krystal died. She does not exist anymore. And how I miss her. Before Krystal died, I was sensitive, caring, loving, loved to travel, had energy, could think straight, loved to meet new people and go to new places, had faith in life, and felt she could handle life's hardships with the help of God, family, and friends. The Jo Ann after Krystal died suffers anxiety attacks, does not have the energy to travel and meet new people, is anxious about having another child, grandchild or Don die, does not have the energy to somedays even do the necessities of the day, cries, has deep sadness in her eyes and heart, can not concentrate, and has trouble planning anything so I try to live breath to breath. I feel Don now has a very broken wife. I try so hard to keep going each day because I love him and my children, grandchildren, and friends so much, but a huge part of me just wishes my heart would stop beating and I would die right now to be out of this nightmare. I know that sounds extreme, but it is my reality.

My relationship to my children. I was so broken the first 2 years and my children and me grieved in different ways. None of us could see past the agony of Krystal being killed, and none of us could help each other. This past year, my girls are opening up to me.We are reaching out to each other. We were all drowning when Krystal died, and we could not help ourselves, much less each other. I wish it were different, but that was our reality. I am thankful that we are connecting again. In the beginning one of my daughters was in total denial and just told me Krystal was in a better place, and to get a hobb and get on with life. Looking back, I think my grief frightened them, because I had always been the strong one and when they saw me shattered they could not deal with it. I needed them so much and they needed me but we could not help each other.

Do I fear death? No, not one bit. I want to be released from this life that I am in where I must somehow go on without my Krystal. I was having a panic attack about 3 months ago, and it was so bad I really thought i was having a heart attack and was dying. Don drove me to the Emergency Room. The whole way I talked to God and basically said, "OK God I do not know if you exist or not, but I am talking to you. If you exist you can hear me, if you do not exist you can not hear me and i am talking to myself. God please do not let me Die in this car with Don driving. It would be to hard on him. Please let me live til I get to the hospital." I truly thought I was dying and I did not have any fear of deth, I had great sadness because I did not want to leave Don, and my children and grandchildren. I was worried about what would happen to them.

My Physical Appearance I literally sometimes walk by a mirror and wonder what happened to me. My eyes have a deep, intense saddness that even a smile can not hide, and I have put on about 40 pounds! I can not stand having all this extra weight, but I do not have the energy or stic-to-itness to do anything about it. I have aged at least 10 extra years from Krystal's death.

Do I want the Before Krystal Died Jo Ann Back? Oh yes, yes, yes. But that can never happen, because krystal would need to be alive and as we all know our children are not coming back to this world. I really dislike it when people tell me that I will become more loving, caring and sensitive. i was a very, loving, caring , sensitive person before she died. My Krystal did not have to die for that.

Well, dear forum friends that is a glimpse of how I have changed since Krystal died. It is not the pretty, warm Hallmark type story that we see on TV. It is my reality. There is no happy ending.

Love to each of you,

Barbara · **Posted:** Tue Oct 02, 2007 11:23 pm

This is a very good topic.

My Attitude toward life.I,m not really sure at this point.It took me a long time after Scotty died to get back some sort of norm.Then Michaels taken from me to.From Sept. 2006 to March 2007 I lost my son in a car accident and both my brothers to cancer.
So I guess my attitude towards life kinda stinks right now.In the back of my mind I always waiting and wondering whats next.Some say everything happens for a reason,but I CAN SEE NO REASON OR PURPOSE FOR THE LOSS OF MY SONS.I will just try to exist.

My Faith.I used to go to church two to three times a week.Now I only go maybe once a month.At first I was very mad at God for taking yet another son from me.I have gotten my faith back . I pray and read my bible, its just at home.I have no reason to celebrate and sing with joy and I just can't pretend.At least not right now.

My relationship with my spouse.For the most part I feel like its gotten stronger.In the most part because he has been my rock.I don't know what I would have done without him.But yet at the same time everything has changed or different.But then again nothing will ever be the same as before.

My relatioship with my other children.I am very afraid something will happen to one of them.I know they get anoyed with me worring all the time but they understand.My 9 yr old gets mad at me because I'm afraid to let him out of my sight.I feel as if I take my eyes off him for a second he'll be gone.

My fear of death.I have no fear of death.I can't wait til the day I get to see my sons again.but I do have a fear of leaving my husband and other children.They need no more heartache to deal with.

Do I avoid people? Oh Yes!!I used to be out going.It mostly involved Michaels activities.Baseball,football,basketball,FFa meetings and cookouts,camps.We where always going and with people.Then we had the fishing,camping.Things I just can't make myself do anymore.Jacob is now wanting to do those thingsHow do I make myself get up and get involved again?I don't know if I can.I feel my life ended that day 8 mos ago.
I don't know if I'll ever get it back.

Am I more sensitive to others pain?Yes I am.I cry,feel their heartache.I just want to make all their pain go away just not knowing how.All I can do is be there to listen or a shoulder to cry on.I understand when most people don't.

Chores,makeup,and home.I'm not the neat freak I used to be.It just doesn't seem as important as it used to.I take showers and wear clean clothes,but I don't do my hair or put on makeup like I used to.I have no energy and I don't care what anyone thinks anymore.

Do I reconize myself?NO! When I look in a mirror I see a person that I don't know. I have dark circles under their eyes.,I have lost weight not gained mainly because I just don't eat like I used to.I see a person who has lost most of her heart.I do want the old me back,but I can never have that person back not as long as I have to live without Scott and Michael.And yes some people expect you to be right back to your normal self.Why don't they understand!!!!!!!!My normal self died along with my boys

This is a glimse into my life,Whats left of it,
Barbara

Tonya · **Posted:** Wed Oct 03, 2007 2:08 pm

Okay, after much thought, I believe that I am ready to answer these powerful questions. Here goes.......

My Attitude toward life:
I take every day as a gift from God. I long to be with my boys, but I also thank Him for allowing me to spend one more day with my beautiful daughter; one more day to hear her laugh and giggle. But on the other hand, what I would give to hear my boys laugh and giggle.

What's changed in my faith:
Faith has always played a big role in my life. I was never angry with God, persay. I guess I just questioned the entire ordeal. Heck, I still do, and I think that I probably will till the day I join Jaydon & Jordan. I was always told that we may never ask God why while we are still here on Earth. Well, let me tell you. If that's the case, I've got a list of why's a mile long that I'm taking with me when I go!

Relationship with significant other:
Unfortunately, the loss of the boys reaked havoc on my relationship with their father. We split up for some time after they passed, and got back together; got married, but still ended up divorcing. I can't blame it all on the incident with the boys, but that weighed heavily on the relationship.

Relationship with other children:
Well, Nadia is Jaydon & Jordan's little sister. I watch over her like a hawk. I had a lot of complications during my pregnancy with her. So the day she was born, I examined her from the top of her little head to the tips of her tiny toes. She is my princess, and yeah, I treat her as such. I love that little girl with all of my heart and soul and would do anything for her. She's so much a part of me. In fact, she looks just like me, so she's gotten the nickname "Mini Me" along with many others. I'm trying to be the mom to her that I wish I could've been to the boys.

Do I fear death?
Absolutely not. I know exactly who I have waiting for me when I get there. My only fear is being taken away from my daughter to soon. I need to see her grow to become a young women and raise a family. Then I'll be ready to go. But for now, I know that my boys are in good hands with Jesus, their Great-Grandma and all of their Angel friends.

Was I outgoing?
Yes, I was very outgoing. I still am to a point. But there are times when I just pull myself into my little shell and sit quietly.

Am I more sensitive to the pain of others:
Oh my goodness yes. 100%. After losing a child, your sense of sensitivity is raised ten fold. The minute someone talks to me about their loss, I'm paying attention with everything that I have inside of me. I know what it's like to have people listen and hear nothing but empty words in return. So when I can lend an ear, shoulder or anything to someone who has walked in my shoes, I do so whole heartedly.

Vigilant about chores, make-up, etc.
I try to be. I know that the boys would want that for me. And I work in the public so I have to maintain a professional appearance. Sometimes it's hard, but somehow, by the grace of God I'm sure, I muster up the energy to look presentable. My house is always usually very well kept. Unfortunately, that's my outlet. When I'm feeling down or upset, I clean. Geez, I hate that about myself!

Do I recognize myself?
Honestly, I'm not the same person that I was back then. And now that I think about it, I'm glad I'm not. God has blessed me so much in my life....from being a small child to now. And looking back on it, I have grown in so many aspects. I can't just pinpoint one. But I am glad that I am the person that I am now.

Okay, so now that I've rambled long enough........

TODAY'S TOPIC: We've all changed, tell us who you are now

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