Jo Ann In Crisis - Help Please

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 12:58 pm

OK I feel like I am really losing it now. I need help. Tomorrow my husband and I are going out of town for 2 weeks. I am packing and getting ready today. I started crying and sobbing about 30 minutes ago. I can not tell anyone who has not lost a child this because I would be deemed totally insane. We have not gone anywhere since Krystal died, because i have not had the energy to do anything but go to work, and try to survive. No energy for anything over survival. I retired this summer, so now we can leave town, and I want to go, but just getting prepared to go is somehow overwhelming for me. I know it sounds silly but it is true. I have been on high anxiety all day. Now I feel like I am somehow leaving Krystal behind? How can I be leaving her behind? She was cremated and her ashes placed in the ocean. I have a Memorial Bench for her at La Leche Chapel in St. Augustine, FL. I honestly want to stop all my packing and drive to her bench and grasp the bench, scream, cry and never let the bench
go. I know Krystal is not a bench. I feel like I am leaving my baby, and i can not do it. I know none of this is ration, but my feelings are so deep. I am hurting so badly. Can anyone relate this this? Please help me as i am sinking and hurting beyond words.
In Crisis,

Cece · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 1:08 pm

Jo Ann, I just tried to call you, but I wrote your home number down wrong. I left a msg on your cell. Please call.

Tonya · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 1:09 pm

JoAnn....
I wish there was something that I could do to make you feel better. My heart is breaking for you right now. No, what you are feeling is not insane, not by any means. Anyone who has been through what we have can relate to this. Please know that I am praying for you my dear friend.

I love you. Sending you many hugs....
~Tonya~

Jo* · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 1:51 pm

{{{{JoAnn}}}}

Oh dear Mom, you are not crazy or insane. I've had so many meltdowns since my Kevin left that I've lost count.

I understand what you mean when you say you have only enough energy to go to work and to try and survive. Most days that is all the energy I have also. I tell people...."I'm doing good to be able to wake up, get dressed, and go to work, and if that's the best I do today....so be it. I find I'll be ok one minute, and then the next I'll be uncontrollably crying.

I'm praying for you JoAnn, I'm praying for you and your precious Krystal. I'm also sending you lots of {{{{hugs}}}}, and holding you close.

Love & many more {{{{hugs}}}},
Jo (Kevin's mom forever and ever)

Barbara · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 3:31 pm

Jo Ann,
No one here thinks your insane, if you are we all are!!Each one of us understand and have the same feelings.But you are not leaving Krystal because she will be with you the through out the whole trip.Everytime you feel the breeze on your face or the stars at night you'll feel Krystal.I will be keeping you in my prayers for a safe and peaceful trip.
I speak for everyone when I say We all love you.
HUGS,
Barbara

Cindy · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 3:48 pm

Jo Ann, I know what you're feeling. I have had to be away from home a lot of times since B.J. died and I never like it. What I do is take his picture in a frame and set it up in my motel room. I also take his soccer ball pillow that I sleep with. While I'm gone I spend extra time and effort watching for signs that he has came along and I always see them.
Keeping you in my prayers, Cindy

Susan · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:47 pm

(((Jo Ann)))

Wherever I go, and whatever I do, Clint is always with me.

Take something special of Krystal's with you. We always take a framed picture of Clint and set it out wherever we are staying. I have buttons with his name and picture on them and always carry one in my purse. I have address stickers with his picture on them stuck all over inside my luggage.

In my mind I include him in everything I do and talk to him constantly like he's right there with me, because he is.

Our first trip out of town was to pick out his headstone in another state. I sobbed all the way there and all the way back. It's okay and it's another of those "firsts" that we have to get through.

Love and hugs,
Susan

Lynda · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 8:54 pm

Dear Jo Ann,
I hope I am not too late getting on. I have had one very busy day and I am so tired, but I couldn't wait to reply. First I will pray for you to have a safe trip. Enjoy this time with your hubby. And the few times I have had to leave home, like everyone else, I have taken a framed picture of Garion and set it up in my room. I am going to miss you!!!! When you get a chance, please contact someone so we can let each other know how your doing. I will keep you in my prayers. Love ya hun!
Hugs,
Lynda

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Mon Oct 22, 2007 10:55 pm

Thank all of you for reaching out to me. I was so overcome with pain that I could hardly breathe. Seeing your posts through the day helped me not totally lose my mind. since Krystal died, at times I have felt totally out of control and lost. I feel like i am free falling. I want Krystal here and raising her sons..But that is not to be. I feel much better knowing so many of you take a framed picture of your child with you and set it in the motel room. Or something that reminds you of your child. And you feel you carry your child in your heart. i know my thoughts were not rational today, but the panic and angst were so incredibly painful and real. I have cried and sobbed so much that i am plain worn out. I will try to go to bed now.

I will go tomorrow. I will have internet and cell phone access, so I can visit our forum everyday. I am thankful and grateful for each one of you. I feel like I died and was born into some strange dimension when Krystal died. I feel so lost and miss Krystal so much. Why, why can't we somehow communicate with our dead children? I mean wouldn't it be great if they could somehow call us or email us or have a video conference? I just want to see, feel, smell, and hear Krystal. Her absence is everywhere. Everyone tells me how much better I am doing. I am becoming a great actress.

Thank you for helping me. Thank you so much.

Love,

JANE_E · **Posted:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 12:27 am

Jo Ann,
My precious friend, we all understand exactly what you mean. When we went to the beach for our anniversary I took two of Scott's t-shirts and I slept in them. It makes me feel as if he really did exist......... he lived and he was, is and always will be, my child.

I'm so sorry, I know how frightening it can be. I don't like to be so far from the forum or from all of you. I have fears, what if I have a complete meltdown? What will happen to me? Who will be there to talk me down? Who will say we're here and we understand?

"I feel like I died and was born into some strange dimension when Krystal died."

I think we all understand those words .......... we've all said almost the same thing at different times........ it's as if we find ourselves in a strange land where we don't understand the language or the culture......... and we're not sure how to live our lives....... and people "expect" things from us that we can't give them and don't even want to try to be the way people demand that we be. We're not even sure how we got there.......

For the first few months I was in a continual state of rage or bewilderment....... I think sometimes that this must be what an elderly person who has Alzheimer's feels like.... you simply cannot grasp what's happened or happening in your world, which, by the way was totally changed in an instant.....

By all means take something along, I will now wear Scott's watch. I will ask Kelli if it is a gift that she gave to him, if it is and she wants to wear it, that's fine with me, but if it isn't, I'll wear it. It makes me aware of his presence. I dwell on the silliest things that I think are important, but I don't think Scott would care at all if I gave those things away. He was always sharing everything with friends or even people he just met. But I feel as if anything he touched, wore or used has become holy to me.

I don't think anything we do to survive this ordeal is weird or strange, if it brings comfort, by all means do it.

Please have a safe trip and try to relax a little. You might surprise yourself and enjoy it a lot. We'll be waiting to hear from you.

Much love always,
jane

Tonya · **Posted:** Tue Oct 23, 2007 8:24 am

Jo Ann.....
You have a safe trip. Do what you can to enjoy the time away with your husband. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers as always.

I love you....
~Tonya~

Jo Ann · **Posted:** Wed Oct 24, 2007 1:20 am

Thank you all. I love each of you.
Love,

Jo Ann

Jo Ann In Crisis - Help Please

Who is online