4 months

Drea · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:25 am

Laura's email address is still in my contacts. Her phone numbers are still in my cell phone. She is still my friend on Facebook. Why? She will NEVER email or call me again!

I CANNOT delete her! But why not? It doesn't seem like an option. Deleting someone's email address from your contacts is like you don't want to talk to them again. I would give ANYTHING to talk to her again.

I almost got sick to my stomach about 30 min ago. It felt like the wind was knocked out of me. Just thinking about her being gone.

I remember her funeral like it was yesterday. I'm listening to "I Believe" by Diamond Rio. It was the song on her website while I was getting ready in the hotel room. Her brother Jim was on his way to our room to take us to the funeral home. I had this song playing so loudly our laptop was buzzing. It was a whole 4 months ago. I think it gets harder because I miss her more.. the longer I go without talking to her. How will I feel at 5 months? Or 6? Or one year?

Thinking about it has made me exhausted, and my heart feels weak.

Lynda · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 12:01 pm

Dear Drea,
We understand...I am still waiting. That first year for me was awful...I don't know if it gets better or if we just learn to wear our mask better. I will say that I am not the same as I was months after the accident...not to say I am better, JUST DIFFERENT. I will say that I have come a long ways since being able to talk with other grieving families, but it still hurts. I have basically learned that I am not crazy, I am normal, through my friendships here. Just like you are normal for not deleting Laura's numbers and email address. I still have Garion's aol account active and I will go to his account and look at his history every so often just to see what he did last. His last website he went to before we left of vacation was www.millsberry.com His sister has since made her a millsberry site, knowing it is what Garion did last on the pc. I think these kind of things just shows how much we love and miss our loved ones. (((HUGS))) and know that it is ok to keep those numbers for as long as you want and need to.
Hugs,
Lynda

JANE_E · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:00 pm

Dear Drea,

We all hold onto whatever we have of our loved ones. Anything my son had, his computer, his clothes........... are still here.............sacred to me.

I still send email to him, I now send it BCC so people won't notice and think I'm nuts. But he sees them, he was a computer whiz........... he could build one from scratch and communicated with companies all over the world, by computer. I know he reads his emails from me.

I'll never give up any part of him that I still have...........

Love,
jane

Tonya · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 1:48 pm

Drea,

You are in my thoughts and prayers always. I am sending you many, many gentle (((hugs))).

I love you....
~Tonya~

Barbara · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 4:26 pm

Drea
My heart breaks with you and I understand how hard it can be MIchael is still in cell phone,I still have his email account and I still haven't turned off his cell phone because as long as I have it on I can call the number and hear his voice and I don't want to lose that.This journey we are on will never be easy.There will be ups and down everyday for the rest of our lives and somethings we just have to hold on to.
I am sending you many,many {{{HUGS}}}.You will be in my prayers.
Love,
Barbara

Cece · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:50 pm

Oh Drea, my heart aches for you. I know what you mean. Laura's numbers are still on my phone too. I can't erase them. It would be like erasing HER. I have the password to her My-space, Face-book and both e-mail accts and I check them regularly. I delete junk and keep the accts active. I don't send her e-mails, but I do talk to her all the time. I know she is still here. Though mostly I think she hangs out in Kansas to be closer to the boys. I have thought of starting a journal "Letters to Laura" or something like that. Haven't yet. I feel too overwhelmed most of the time. Try to stop by on your way home this afternoon. I'll save a hug for you. Two even. I love you.

Drea · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:15 pm

On Laura's last-memories site if you click on the custom pages link at the top there is a section where you can write to her there. I wrote one already. Just click the "Add text to Letters to Laura" link.

We'll stop by tomorrow after work, love you!

Drea · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 8:23 pm

Thank you all so much. I feel better knowing I'm not a weirdo saving these things. I went out with a friend the other day, who I haven't seen since Elliott's funeral. She is now 6 months pregnant and we had quite a bit to talk about. She lost her aunt who was 40 about a year ago and I remember how hard it was. Even though we went out to celebrate her baby, we ended up talking about her aunt, Laura, Elliott and death itself. It just doesn't escape my thoughts, even during good moments. I felt like I burdened her by even mentioning it but she told me it was okay to talk about it, after all she talked about her aunt and others who have died too. I just feel better talking in here, because I know you all understand it's something I need to do. Thank you all for being here. I love you all! (((hugs)))

Cece · **Posted:** Tue Nov 20, 2007 10:00 pm

Thank you Andrea. I will definitely add letters to that.

4 months

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