Emotional Crisis.......... I think we're all in one now

JANE_E · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:21 pm

The holidays have started to have their impact on all of us.

I have started feeling like I'm in a total slump and don't even have the motivation to try to pull out of it. Once we get by Thanksgiving we have an even bigger one to get through. I'm so weary of it all and trying to smile and feel good about anything.

I had to go uptown today..........to the GROCERY STORE........ how dumb is that, to go uptown late afternoon on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. I'll have five of my grand kids here from tomorrow night until Sunday night so I had to stock up on groceries. With four teenagers and a six year old, you can't stock enough snacks........and they still appreciate full meals, in addition to the snacks.

It's good for me though.......having them all here is exhausting, but they fill my mind and heart and keep me so busy I don't have much crying time. Then when they leave on Sunday, the baby comes the next day........so it'll be next Wednesday before I have a day to myself. I think that's really good for me........... my house falls totally apart, but who cares......... those kids are so much more important than a house. I love the full table at meal time with all the laughing and talking and teasing each other. It soothes my heart, EXCEPT.......... Scott loved it too........when he was here, he enjoyed those full table meals and especially if I'd make gravy & biscuits for breakfast. Christopher & Kevin just beg me to make it for them..........so I do.

Everything reminds me of Scott......... even seeing my oldest son......... they're so much alike and their voices sound so much alike, it warms my heart, but breaks it at the same time. He gets so worried when I cry........because he can't fix it..... he wants to make everything OK but he can't fix this one for me, or for him either.......... so he worries. I try very hard not to show much emotion to him because I know how much he hurts also.

There is no end to this pain.........I get so sad sometimes...........

I found Scott's watch and asked Kevin if he wanted it. He said he does so I took it to the watch repair shop today to have a new battery put in it. While the guy was working on the watch I told him that it had belonged to my son and now his son wants it....... he was so outspoken.......asking me how I could stand to lose a son, that he couldn't survive it and how was I able to deal with that? I just started crying and told him I haven't been able to deal with it and I haven't survived it.......ask anyone who knew me before it happened and they'll tell you, I'm a different person now........ the spark has gone out of me. I'm hanging on by a thread. I think he was sorry he said anything to me about it.

I know you all are going through the same things.......... somehow......... I just needed to tell you, to tell someone........... and there's really no one else to share these
feeling with. I don't want to make my husband even more sad. My niece who lost her son in February is in Mexico......... and I don't want to bring my grandchildren down to my level of pain.............. so I keep it inside......... but sometimes it has to leak out. I talked to Scott while I was driving home and I cried so hard........... I wonder what I'm going to do with me. I've become a burden to myself.............

I love you all, do your best to get through tomorrow and if you can........ enjoy it.

love,
jane

Cece · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 9:38 pm

May God bless you Jane. And give you peace.

Lynda · **Posted:** Wed Nov 21, 2007 10:19 pm

Dear Jane,
Wrapping you up in (((HUGS))). I have been baking all day today and it isn't the same as it use to be...instead of feeling jittery with excitement, I feel...well, I am sure you know how I feel.
I would like to add that I have been faced with some personal decisions lately, which have caused me to step outside my box and reevaluated things in my life with the holidays fast approaching. I came to the conclusion that it isn't only about the memories I have of my family but also the memories my family have of me. I need to know my family have good memories of me to help carry them through if I were called home before them. Just like I need my memories of Garion, my family needs good memories of me, so I am focusing this holiday season on leaving my family with good memories...this way of thinking has helped me so much this week. It isn't always going to be easy and it isn't always going to be perfect but it is more than what I have done...I am just going to try.
Anways...I know this has nothing to do with your post but I wanted to share what has helped me these last few days.
Have a gentle day with your family tomorrow! Love ya!!!!
Hugs,
Lynda

JANE_E · **Posted:** Thu Nov 22, 2007 12:47 am

Lynda,

What you said has so much to do with my post.......... I agree with you so much..... I want my grandchildren and my children to have warm, loving memories of me when I pass. I want to give them family traditions to create in their own families... and to look back on.

I want these kids to get together with their cousins when they're all grown and talk about the fun they had at grandma's........ when they all slept over and on Christmas Eve when everybody gathers and eats so much food and open presents and just connects with loved ones. We've done it now for all the years since my own were babies and they just naturally brought their spouses and children home for Christmas Eve. Then, since they've gotten married and started their own families, on Christmas Day they go their own individual way or to other family.

That's why I keep my feelings to myself and keep moving forward. Having five of my grandchildren for the next three days & nights will help create more good memories of fun at grandma's house. That's why I stock up on snacks and good stuff to cook for dinner that they'll all like. We also do a full week together in the summer, last summer it ended up being ten days.

No matter how much I hurt inside........ I have to remember to take the time to show them all how much they mean to me. I think leaving a good memory is part of the foundation they will take forward into their own lives and their own families.

I also believe a good strong extended family is a good source of strength during those difficult teen years.......

But, it takes a lot of acting and making myself show the same old spirit that they knew and loved. If I cry, I try very hard to keep it to myself or to save it for when I go to bed........ and my daughter understands that so much. She always calls quietly, after they go home, or after we come home.........just to see how I'm doing.

There's a lot of love in our family and that helps so much. It gives me a reason....... even though my heart hurts so much.........

I appreciate what you said Lynda, it makes me stop and think..........

Lynda · **Posted:** Thu Nov 22, 2007 1:10 am

Thank you so much Jane for responding and letting me know you understood what I was trying to say. I think I edited my post 5 or 6 times trying make sense of my words and express what I have been having to do with myself lately to prepare for the upcoming weeks...I don't understand why I am having such a difficult time expressing myself lately. Know I am here and that I love and understand you. The best we can do is just try, even with our masks on.
Hugs,
Lynda

Cindy · **Posted:** Thu Nov 22, 2007 1:21 am

Oh Jane, I agree with everything you said except...Once we get by Thanksgiving we have an even bigger one to get through.
Thanksgiving is my big one. B.J. was sick through the Thanksgiving holiday and then died just 4 days after Thanksgiving so for our family this is the hardest. Not that any is easy but you know what I mean. We're mostly focusing on Johnathan's birthday since it is on Thanksgiving day this year. But it just breaks me heart...he had already went to bed tonight and then got back up and came to me crying. He told me he was sad cause tomorrow is his birthday and Bubba's not going to be here for it. I told him but Bubba will be in your heart and he said I know, but I can't see him...I want to see him. :cry:

It's just so sad.
I'm sorry, I'm no help. I love you though and I'm praying for us all.
Love, Cindy

Cece · **Posted:** Thu Nov 22, 2007 2:57 pm

I completely understand, Lynda. I got up this morning reluctantly. I was in pain from doing the leg lifts that I have to do. I thought I could use the pain as an excuse to get out of going to the Carter Clan Thanksgiving get together. But, I took pain pills and I feel OK now. I realized that no matter how much I dread being around all those people that they are my family and are concerned about me. I especially don't want to disappoint Bill, Drea & Andy and Heather & Brent. So, I will get ready and go and try to enjoy my time with the people I love. It is hard. So very hard. I can't help but think about Laura and how she would fuss over Thanksgiving. I miss her so much. God bless all of you today and always. I love you my friends.

JANE_E · **Posted:** Fri Nov 23, 2007 12:08 am

I made it all day, until the last few minutes before we left and I heard Kelli and my daughter talking about the headstone and it hit me so hard I started to cry. My grand-daughter, who is 26 saw me and came over to hug me, but I noticed that Laurie & Kelli were both crying also.

I was ready to come home......... I needed some quiet time to just let it all come out of me. It was a good day, all the family together, great food, more than we could ever consume..... and the kids had such a good day.

I wanted to go to the cemetery but did not have the opportunity. We'll buy a wreath this week and take it out there. It's probably a good thing I didn't go, I'd have been a mess all day.

I have Michael & Mariah (from Seattle) and Kevin, Christopher & Rebecca (from Vancouver) here until Sunday night. We're well stocked with food, snacks & sodas, juice, lemonade...etc. We'll have plenty to eat & drink.

Steven & Nicole joined her parents for an early dinner and then us for a 5:00 dinner. The baby was exhausted from being passed around at her folks and no nap. Of course when he arrived, the same thing happened to him..... aunts & uncle & lots of cousins, two sets of great grandparents and his grandma & grandpa..........and everyone wanting to hold him. He was exhausted! So when he started getting fussy.......... I took him and sat down in the rocking chair. He knew me well enough, he immediately stopped fussing, laid his little head down on my shoulder and went to sleep immediately. What a joy that was for me...........that he knew me and felt secure enough with me that he settled down and went to sleep in my arms right away. One little sigh was all he gave before he went to sleep in my arms. He's my little love............ he made my day.

I'm tired and so weary of being "on guard" all day with my emotions......... it hurt so much. Sometimes I think I've already lost my mind................

I'm so glad to have all the kids here with us......... they bring me so much love.
I'm so glad today is over, now we have to try to get through Christmas.

love,
jane

Emotional Crisis.......... I think we're all in one now

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